Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
by SheWritesInCursive
Summary: She's trapped in a life she can't remember, and a relationship with a man she knows she hates.
1. Chapter 1

She feels his presence before she's even fully registered who _he_ is. At that moment, she finds she doesn't much care _who_ is in her bed next to her, only that there shouldn't be anyone. After all, she'd gone to bed alone, and now there was a hand around her waist and a soft breathing beside her.

She scrambles, trying desperately to put some distance between her and her intruder, thinking only of putting as much distance between them that she can. "Too early, Katie." He mumbles, a strong hand pulling her back towards the bed. "Sleep."

He pulls tighter against her attempts to escape, knowing only pure terror until-

"Shit! Kate!" He pulls back, one hand clutching at his ribs while the other peers incredulously at her. "What was that for?"

"Dutchy? What are you doing in my bed?!" Their frantic cries rise over each other, Kate backing away while he disentangles himself from her sheets.

"Kate, are you okay?" Dutchy stands, and Kate finds herself avoiding staring at his chest.

"No!" Kate takes another step backwards and feels her back hit the wall. "I just woke up to find my bosun in my bed! I am _not_ okay."

Dutchy's brow furrows, and he takes a step closer, one hand outstretched as though intending to hug her. She recoils, flattening herself against the wall. "Kate, I haven't been your bosun for five years."

She shakes her head, fumbling blindly for a t-shirt and pulling it over her singlet, hoping to fight some of the vulnerability and exposure she's feeling. "You just started, Dutchy. What are you doing here? Seriously, if this is some prank you're playing with 2Dads-"

"Funny. I was going to say the same thing to you." He peers at her curiously. "So… you don't remember…"

"Remember _what_?! I think I'd remember asking you to move in with me!" Some of the fear is leaving her now, to be filled only with anger. How dare he invade the sanctity of her home, her bed and- if he'd taken advantage of her...

Unconsciously, her hands rise to wrap around her torso, nearly hugging herself. Dutchy moves to take another step closer, but at the last minute seems to think better of that decision, holding up his hands in some parody of surrender. "You don't remember... Henry?" Dutchy finishes tentatively.

"Who's Henry? Dutchy, what the hell is going on? You need to leave! Now! You need to-"

Dutchy hesitates for a moment, then asks, "What's the date today?"

"What?" She shakes her head at the absurd question. "What the hell-"

"Humour me. Kate, what's the date?"

"29th April."

His face is impassive. "And the year?"

"2010. Seriously, Dutchy. I- _what!?"_

"Kate…" He takes a deep breath, and she can't bear to see the look of fear and confusion mirrored on his own face. "That was almost nine years ago."


	2. Chapter 2

"No! No!" Kate's refusal comes out as a laugh, because this whole thing has to be a joke. There's nothing else it can be, no conceivable way Dutchy Mulholland is in her house and is telling her the truth. "No. You're telling me I've just forgotten nine years of my life? That's... insane." Kate rakes a hand through her hair. "I know who I am."

Dutchy takes a deep breath, tugging a t-shirt over his own chest. Kate tries not to dwell on just how familiar he seems to be with her wardrobe, or the fact that he has his own clothes in there. "Look, maybe we should go to the doctors. Or... the hospital or-" He bites his lip. "Kate, I'm telling you the truth. We should... go to a doctor! I don't want to see you hurt any more."

"Now I know you're kidding." She lets out a dry laugh. "Dutchy, you hate me! The last thing I remember is you pushing me and me getting a black eye after Clarkson and... and... no! I refuse to believe this... it's crazy-"

"You have a tattoo of an anchor on your right hip." Dutchy says, almost as though he can't think of anything else to say.

"What?" Kate frowns.

"You... you got it on your eighteenth birthday. It's only small... about the size of a ten cent piece. You've never told anyone about it. But... it's there, Kate."

Kate throws up her hands, loathe to admit that the story is accurate. "I... so... what? You've somehow seen my hip and-" If she's being honest, she knows deep down there's no real reason why he would have ever seen her hip unless...

"You... you told me about your brother." Dutchy swallows. "You... you told me about Isaac. About what happened to him." He peers closer at Kate. "I'm not making any of this up, Kate. It's 2019."

Kate shakes her head, feeling herself growing more and more hysterical. "No! No!" She feels herself slide down the wall, arms hugging herself once more. "No! You can't tell me this. You... you don't know me!"

"Kate-"

"Get out!" She jabs a hand at the door. "Get out, Dutchy! Get out!" She doesn't know exactly where she's going to send him, only that she wants him gone, _needs_ him gone. She can't believe that she's told him about Isaac. Can't believe that he'd use it to try and prove his love for her when-

Why couldn't she have forgotten _that_ instead?

And just as the day seems it can't get any crazier, a boy bursts through the door, closely followed by a Labrador of all things. "Mum?" The boy frowns, peering down at Kate in confusion. "I... I heard shouting."

For a full ten seconds, Kate feels herself freeze, staring at this boy, this boy that can't be hers because she'd remember having a child, wouldn't she?

"Henry..." Dutchy begins, taking a step closer. "I... Mum's not feeling the best. If you go get your school uniform on, I'll drop you to school."

"Is... is she okay?"

"She will be." Dutchy assures him. "I... she'll be okay."

o0o

"Head trauma?" The doctor frowns. "Any recreational drugs?"

"No!" Dutchy resumes his pacing. "It's like I told you. She came back from patrol yesterday, was completely normal, and then this morning she thought it was 2010! She doesn't remember anything from the last nine years!"

"Mr Mulholland, I need her to answer-"

"Well, it's a bit frigging hard when she doesn't remember, isn't it?!" Dutchy snarls. "Look, she doesn't take drugs. It's hard enough getting her to take a panadol when she has a headache. Something is wrong!"

"Sir, you're going to have to restrain yourself or-"

Dutchy immediately calms, dragging a hand over his shoulder in an apparent attempt to comfort himself. "Yeah, okay. Sorry. I'm just... sorry."

"Mr Mulholland, we're going to run some tests on your fiancee, and hopefully we'll know a bit more."

Dutchy looks to Kate, but she turns her face away.

"It's going to be okay, Kate." He whispers, more to himself than to her. "It's going to be alright."

"Fiancee?" Kate repeats, so softly he barely catches the word at all. "We're... engaged?"

And as she gazes up at him, she sees the same sadness reflected in his eyes. "Your ring is on your dog tags." He says, almost like it's an apology.

o0o

"I know this is... weird." Dutchy begins, as she rests her head against the passenger window, staring out at the streets that are so familiar and yet, so new. Houses and apartment complexes have sprung up like weeds, favourite restaurants have disappeared, and that house she'd always coveted on the corner of the main road is now a medical centre.

"Weird is putting it mildly." Kate admits, not looking up.

"Well... I really don't think you should be on your own. Even if... you want me gone. I can call someone to be with you."

"Henry." Kate begins, and the name seems to stick in her throat like glue. "How can I not remember I have a son? What kind of parent could forget her child?" She turns to face him, seeking comfort from the man she'd woken up to... had it only been this morning? She doesn't trust her brain with time anymore.

"We're going to figure this out." He leans over, and it seems as though he's intending to grab her hand. But at the last minute, he pulls back. "Kate, it's going to be okay."

"Nothing feels okay, Dutchy." She exhales. "Not a damn thing."

"You know..." Dutchy licks his lips. "For the record, I never hated you. Never."

o0o

"So that's what's happening." Dutchy concludes, trying to put on an encouraging smile, if only for Henry's sake. "Mum is having a few problems with her memory. She's been to the doctor, and at this stage, they... don't quite know what's going on."

"But... she'll get her memories back, right?" Henry is turned to Dutchy, eyes wide and imploring. Kate can't bring herself to speak, can't tear her eyes away from him, her boy. But there's nothing of Dutchy in his face.

 _Who's his father?_

The thought bubbles up in her brain, and she feels like crying. There are so many memories gone.

"I... yeah, Henry. We're pretty sure she will." Dutchy's putting on a brave face. Would he have done that before?

 _" **You just pushed me out of the way on that boarding and I want to know why!"**_

"What about the wedding?" Henry frowns, dragging Kate back to earth. "You were supposed to be getting married in three months."

Dutchy glances at Kate, but she can't bring it in herself to answer. Memories of what feels like weeks ago - years, _years_ \- are drowning her.

 _ **"It didn't happen. You caused it."**_

"I... that will probably go on hold for now."

"That's stupid." Henry aims a soft kick at the bottom of the lounge. "You... you don't love her now her memory is all screwed?"

"Of course I love her." Dutchy swallows hard at the admission, and Kate ducks her head. The three words she'd been waiting for Mike to say, and Dutchy had said them barely three weeks after she'd met him. But then again, it hadn't been three weeks, had it? It had been nine years. "It's just... we want her to get better first."

"But... but why can't you do that and still get married?"

"Because... Henry, I know it's hard to explain. But... Kate doesn't remember us being together. It'd be like her suddenly marrying a complete stranger." He's patient. He's trying.

Henry shrugs, and _he's her kid,_ he shouldn't be dealing with this. "You'll get married in the end." He murmurs, with every bit as much stubbornness as Kate would have expected her kid to have.

"Uh..." Dutchy hesitates. "Well... maybe-"

"No, you will." Henry affirms. "It's... like every great love story ever. You'll get together."

o0o

"So... Henry." The conversation is beyond awkward and yet, this whole day has been too. "He's... what... seven. But you said that we've been together for five. So..."

"He's not mine." Dutchy finishes the thought for her. "At least not biologically." There's something in the painful way he admits that to her. Even through her own self-absorbsion at the ridiculous situation she'd found herself in, she's seen the way Dutchy is with Henry.

"Mike?" Kate frowns. She hopes she doesn't have to start listing her ex-lovers, but once again Dutchy has the answer ready for her.

"No. Jim. Jim Roth." The name is the last she expects to hear.

"I haven't seen Jim Roth since 2008-" She replies automatically, then realises just how stupid a statement that is. "So... uh, he came back?"

"He came back." Dutchy confirms. "Ah... 2011? And you two... got together."

"And then we split up?" Kate frowns. After all, Jim had seemed like the perfect guy. The house and the dog and the 2.5 kids. Had she broken his heart again?

"No. He... he died. Him and Swain. There was an accident and..." He clears his throat. "Henry's full name is Henry James Christopher Roth." It's odd. After all, the shock at finding out both Jim and Swain are gone send her recoiling back, but some distant part of her brain knows she's already grieved. She swipes angrily at her eyes, impatiently wiping away tears.

"So anything else I should know? I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and have you tell me I'm pregnant? I'm not going to discover I've been RNIN'd or... or I'm growing dope out in the backyard?" She shakes her head. "I'm not an axe murderer? We don't... harvest organs or-"

"Kate, I... I'm trying." Dutchy whispers softly.

"I know!" Kate drags a hand over her head. "I know, Dutchy. But... I went to bed knowing that you hated me and... and I wanted you off _Hammersley_ too. And now... what happened?"

"Kate, I... I don't know how much I should be telling you." He drums his fingers on the lounge. "I just want to... to show you pictures until everything clicks. But... iI think this is happened because you need to figure it out yourself."

"But you _know!_ You know more about my life than I do, Dutchy! I... I've got a kid out there calling me Mum and... and I don't know him. I don't remember him!"

"I'll help you remember." He murmurs, and this time he doesn't shy away, his fingers brushing against hers. The movement is so quick it might never have happened at all, but Kate finds it comforting. "Kate, _we'll_ help you."


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning there's a brief moment when she can almost kid herself that it's all been some terrible dream. After all, she's dreamed stranger things. But as she peels open her eyes and catches sight of the small boy sleeping next to her, she feels any further doubt evaporate. Henry, her boy, her son that she can't even remember, and even though he's fallen asleep on the lounge next to her, he feels a million miles away.

Of course, it's still less terrifying than waking up next to her petty officer, but there's still the pang of regret. And it feels almost wrong to reach out and brush a stray clump of hair from his face, as though she hasn't quite got the right. He smiles and murmurs something in his sleep, settling into her touch, and she lets herself breathe him in.

 _My son,_ she thinks. _He's my son._

Seven years of his life she'd missed out on. Was it worse than not being there at all? After all, she'd _been there,_ had seen the evidence framed on her walls, on her phone lock screen, across her facebook page. But somewhere, some part of her brain has decided that he's not worth remembering.

He looks like Jim. And the overwhelming sense of just how unfair this whole thing is fills her up. How could she look at her child and not remember him? Not remember his father? How can she be living in a house with a man she doesn't love, while her heart...

Mike.

To her, it was only a few weeks ago that they'd... what? 'Rekindled their relationship' sounds too cliche, but 'slept together' too cheap. And now, she's engaged. Engaged to another man she can only ever remember fighting with.

Henry stirs, opening his eyes and peering around blearily. "Mum?" He frowns, and for a moment it's Jim's eyes that stare at her. He takes in her expression and shakes his head in a manner that seems far too solemn for such a little boy. "You don't remember, do you?"

"No." Kate hasn't got the heart to lie to him. "No, I don't."

She can't tell what is out of character for him, what signs she needs to look for that he's hurting, or scared or angry. No way to know what's normal, and whether or not she needs to be worried that he'd shuffled out of his own bed and curled onto the lounge beside her. She doesn't know his friends, his favourite foods, not even a song he likes. A feeling of ill-usage wells up inside of her, and she has to fight back tears.

"Dad said it could take a while." Henry murmurs, and Kate feels her heart twinge at the name. _Dad._ Another sign of just how much she apparently trusted Dutchy. Another thing she couldn't remember. "He called up Maxine. Uh... do you remember her?" He waits for Kate to nod. Truth be told, Kate didn't really _know_ Maxine, but apparently now, she knew her well enough for Henry to be familiar with her. "They've got a replacement for you. But Dutchy had to go into work for a bit today. So you don't need to worry about work. And it's Saturday, so maybe we can go try and find your memories." He gives a shrug, and Kate half-expects him to go and fetch a butterfly net, as though the memories he speaks of are physical things.

"Henry, I don't think it's that simple."

Henry shrugs again. "Well then, I'll teach you again." And with the sudden agility of a cat climbing lounges, he pushes himself up to his feet. "Come on. Get dressed. We're getting your memories back. But first..." He scoops a piece of paper off the coffee table. "I made this for you last night. But you'd already fallen asleep. Dutchy helped me with some of the words. But I probably spelt some wrong. But... it might help." He hands the paper over, and Kate opens it to read the slightly-wonky handwriting inside.

 _ **Kate McGregor, this is your life!**_

 _ **Your name is Kate Eloise McGregor. But I know you no that. you probly already no you were born in England too. we went there once for Christmas and it was really cold.**_

 _ **you are the commanding officer of HMAS Hamersley. Dutchy (dad) used to work with you but when I was 3 you started doing patrols and he took a shor posting to look after me. You're both going to get married. you brought a dress and it is beutiful. its hidden from Dutchy but he really wants to see it. when he purposed to you he cried a little. he wanted me to be there because he says were family.**_

 _ **my name is Henry James Christopher Roth and I am seven years old. my favrite things to do are watch and play soccer, and read books. we are reading Harry Potter at the moment and I really love Hagrid. I think I would like it if I was a wizard. I am alergic to prawns and have a special epipen if I acidently eat some (but it's yuck so don't worry) there's always one in your handbag and in my soccer bag and in the top kitchen draw so we have a few. plus at my school. oh yeah I am in big school and in grade 2. we also have a dog named Samson. he's a lab and he's lovely. he likes to lick faces but he's a good dog really.**_

 _ **Our favrite thing to do together is when we go fishing, or when we all go out and go for hikes. You and Dad (Dutchy) love to walk lots but sometimes it gets very tiring. we also like to go to the aquareum. we all have year tickets. my favrite things there are the jellyfish but you love the sharks and stingrays and dad loves the snakes.**_

 _ **if you need to know anything else tell me and i can help! I want you to be better so you can remember everything again! even if you dont though I still love you across the oceons (and thats how much you say you love me!)**_

 _ **Love Henry**_

Underneath the signature are nine wobbly cross-kisses, and a cartoon drawing of three people holding hands. "It's us." Henry says, unnecessarily. "I... I didn't know what to tell you, but I thought that might help."

"It's... it's amazing." Kate smiles at him. "I... so what's the plan for today?"

"Well, we do all of the things we used to do." Henry grins.

* * *

"The one thing that Dad... uh... Jim-Dad loved... I mean, aside from us. It's chocolate mousse." Henry explains as he carefully stirs a bowl of melting chocolate, closely supervised by Kate. "And you and me make it lots. Uh... you can seperate the eggs." He adds, delegating the task.

"How many?" Kate frowns, knowing she's not exactly celebrated for her cooking skills.

"Five." Henry answers confidently, glancing at Kate. "Don't worry. I know how to make this off by heart. Just... five egg... yellow bits."

Kate gives a small smile, grinning as Henry removes the bowl from the heat and turns the stove off. "Would I normally let you eat chocolate mousse at 0900 hours?"

Henry grins. "Well, no. But it'll take a while to set." He swipes his finger into the top of the bowl, sucking a chocolatey finger. "And then, we explore Cairns."

* * *

"Ice cream." Henry affirms as they walk down the main street. "We always get icecream when we go out. In here." He takes her hand and tugs, pulling her into a brightly painted shop and grinning.

Kate rolls her eyes. After all, they've already had hamburgers ("We _always_ get hamburgers when we go out!") and juices ("We _always_ get juices when we go out!") and visited the aquarium.

"Okay, I'm feeling like I wouldn't be able to afford our house if we _always_ get all this stuff." Kate grins, but permits Henry to order two icecreams, handing him a twenty dollar note to pay.

"Well... we always do something." He admits, as he hands Kate back the change. "But we're trying to get your memory back!" He hands an icecream to Kate. "Does it taste familiar?"

"It tastes like passionfruit." She replies, smiling apologetically. "Sorry, Henry. It's... it's not bringing anything back." Henry looks a little disappointed, but recovers all the same, and Kate takes another lick of her icecream. "I mean, it is a great flavour." She adds.

"It's your favourite." He grins. "For your birthday every year, dad always buys a tub of it for you."

"He... buys me icecream?" Kate frowns, trying to imagine Dutchy presenting her with sugary treats.

"Yep." Henry agrees, the two of them falling into step as they wander towards the lagoon. "With other stuff. Last year he bought you a pretty necklace too. But you can't wear it all the time because of work." He grins. "I can show you where it is when we get home if you want. I know where you put your special jewellery."

If the idea of Dutchy buying her ice cream is weird, then the image of him buying her jewellery, perhaps fastening it for her too, is almost too much. "And you... you like him? Dutchy, I mean."

Henry nods, swiping at his own icecream, chocolate sauce dribbling down his chin. "Dutchy was just always here. I mean, I don't think you actually fell in love until I was two or something, because he didn't live here when I was a baby. You two were just friends." He grins at Kate. "He said he just woke up one day and was in love with you, but you've been friends for a while. Before I was born." He gives his icecream another lick. "Dad and Uncle Chris died but you were pregnant with me. Dad... Dutchy... said you were pretty sad for a long time. You were scared you couldn't love me because of how sad you were. But then I was born and... and he said you just weren't scared anymore." Henry takes a deep breath. "And I know this is all weird because you don't remember being in love with him. But... he's... he's my Dad. I mean, Jim's my Dad too and all that, but Dutchy... he was there when you needed help. Or when I needed help. He was there to take me to soccer games, and make me pasta for dinner. And... and he loves you. And I know you don't remember that now. But... even if you don't remember that now, you will. And if you don't then... then I think you could fall in love with him again." Henry shrugs his shoulders once more, and adds. "He loves us across the oceans too."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey." Kate jerks up as the front door opens and closes, waking from her doze. There's still the awkwardness between them - neither quite sure what to say. To Kate, she's essentially living with two strangers in her home. Except they're not strangers, are they?

She kneads her palms onto her forehead for a moment, willing herself to remember something, _anything,_ but time is just as screwed up as ever. Try as she might, three days ago had been 2010.

"Hey." Dutchy gives a soft smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes, and Kate could almost believe he was reading her mind. "Uh... so did Henry's tour of every food shop in Cairns jog your memory?"

"Not really." Kate tries to shrug, feeling more awkward than ever.

His eyes dart away, and with a twinge of guilt Kate sees they look slightly red, as though...

But he wouldn't cry for her, would he?

 _Of course he would, Kate. He loves you, apparently. And you loved him back._

Looking anywhere but at him, Kate stammers, "I... thanks for helping him. With his note and everything."

"He's a good kid." Dutchy seems grateful for the change of subject. "He wrote everything out. I just helped with a bit of spelling. Although he kept getting excited and rushing ahead so I don't think I was much use." He glances at the blanket and pillow on the lounge. "Kate, it's your room. You don't need... I can go-"

"I'm okay." Kate shrugs. "I... I always sleep here. Well... before, I mean." She bites her lip at the mix-up.

"You always used to say the house was too big for you before Henry." Dutchy muses sadly, and once again, Kate's surprised at the amount of things he seems to _know_ about her, things that she's told him. "You're still wondering it, aren't you?" Dutchy adds, and as Kate jerks her head up, she sees his sad gaze still peering at her.

"Wondering what?"

"How... why we ever got together."

"It's just the last I can remember is us fighting and me being-" She cuts herself off, ducking her gaze.

"...with Mike." Dutchy finishes. "I've... I've called him. He's going to come to Cairns on Tuesday."

She wonders just how hard that was for him to do, calling her ex, and restrains herself from demanding to know where he was now, why... _why._ But then she's flooded with the mixture of fear and relief at seeing Mike, of maybe getting some answers as to how she ended up going from being with him for one night to pregnant with Jim Roth's kid a year later.

"Kate, I... I hope you'll still let me see Henry." Dutchy says in a rush, cutting through her train of thought.

"What?" She gapes, genuinely perplexed at the fear in his gaze.

"I... listen, this is new territory for both of us. And losing you is..." He trails off and takes a deep breath. "I couldn't bear it if I lost Henry too. He... I've known him since he was born. I think of him as my son. I know I have no legal claim over him but... I'd like to still see him."

"He calls you Dad." Kate murmurs softly. Dutchy nods. "He's a headstrong kid." She continues. "He wouldn't call you that if he didn't believe it. And I'd never do that." How wrong it seems that it's _her_ that has the power to make decisions for the boy she can't remember, when Dutchy was here, a constant support. She takes a deep breath. "Explain something to me?"

"Yeah?" Dutchy shrugs.

"If you didn't hate me, then... why... why..." She sweeps a stray hair from her face.

"Why was I such a prick to you?" Dutchy finishes, and she nods sheepishly. "It's... ah..." He hesitates for a moment, then perches on the edge of the lounge. It's the closest they've been since that morning she'd woken up next to him, and she wonders if he's as painfully aware of her presence as she is with his. "Panic, basically." He sums up. But that's not an excuse and he seems to know that, because he keeps talking. "My boarding officer... in the gulf. He was six and a half foot, built like a brick sh- ah, he was solid. And he died. He was so strong and he died and then I saw you and... I mean, you're lighter than a sack of potatoes and about three feet tall. And I was scared. If I kept you pissed off at me I didn't have to... I don't know. Feel? Worry?" He scuffs a toe against the carpet. "It's stupid."

It's far from the explanation she'd expected. "What changed?"

"You." He smiles. "You... ah... talked me through a panic attack and... and you didn't tell me I was stupid or blame me. And then you... well, you helped me figure out a few things I should have long ago." He shrugs. "You were pretty much my best friend after that."

"Really?" She can't stop the smile that spreads across her face.

"Yeah, really." He seems to take her amusement for a good sign, because he smiles too. "I... I used to drag you out for breakfast a lot. Even though you're grumpy before your first coffee. And your fifth. And somewhere along the lines we became each others agony aunts, whinging about our love lives."

So he would have known all about Mike, and Jim. But... "And... when did we..."

"Henry had been sick. He was just gone eighteen months. He'd had temps for basically a whole week and he was barely sleeping more than fifteen minutes at a time. Of course, you being you, you didn't call for help or anything. You'd been back and forward to the docs but you were too stubborn to call anyone up to help you at home. When I got off patrol I came here and heard him crying, but you didn't answer the door. You'd given me a spare key for emergencies but I'd never had to use it until then. And I found you fully clothed in your bath trying to cool him with a wet flannel. You could barely see me you were so tired. And you put up a fight but eventually you let me take him for a cuddle. I think you were asleep ten minutes later and you were probably out for a good twelve hours, nearly. When you woke up actually rested and saw that Henry was okay you kissed me, then apologised, then cried, and then you kissed me again." He smiles fondly at the memory. "I mean, in terms of actual dates, we didn't have a lot. Usually we took Henry out to different places. He loved chasing seagulls and ducks. And the aquarium, once it was built."

"I'm sorry." Kate whispers.

"What on earth have you got to be sorry for?" Dutchy challenges.

Kate waves a hand over herself. "This. Me. You didn't sign up for this."

Dutchy pushes himself to his feet and scoops up his phone, scrolling through before opening up his notes. "Here." He murmurs, passing her the phone. And for a moment, he looks as angry as she remembers him being. But now she knows the story, the reasons, she can see the hurt behind his gaze.

"What is this?" Kate frowns, still looking at him.

"They're... my wedding vows. Just so you know what I signed up for. I'm going out."

o0o

"So... that's weird, right?" 2Dads frowns, taking a gulp of his beer and squinting at Dutchy. "I mean... it's _weird._ She doesn't remember anything? Like, _anything_?"

"I've already told you..." Dutchy rolls his eyes at the young sailor's antics. "No. She doesn't remember a thing from the last nine years."

"And she's not... you know... faking it?" 2Dads suggests tentatively.

"Why would she be faking that?" Bird snaps, throwing a hand out blindly to hit 2Dads. "Poor Kate. Poor _you."_ She pats Dutchy on the back. "So... we've lost our CO for a while, then?"

"Well, just... just for a bit. I mean, she's still knows how to do things. It's just... nine years..." He exhales heavily and takes another gulp of his beer.

The four of them sit in silence for several minutes, before Charge speaks for the first time. "Well, how are you wooing her back?"

"What?" Dutchy frowns.

2Dads rolls his eyes incredulously. "You're out at the pub with us instead of making her fall in love with you again?"

"And since when were you such a hopeless romantic?" He challenges, jabbing a finger in Charge's direction. " _You're_ divorced. _Twice._ And _you-"_

"Hey, I'm a married man now!" 2Dads defends, holding his hands up in protest. " _And_ Tasha and I have got a little rugrat on the way. So _yeah,_ I'm going to say I'm a romantic." 2Dads sniffs, before dragging a keno pencil and a coaster towards himself. "Let's strategise! Birdy, you've got neat handwriting. You're the scribe."

"The day I take relationship advice from you-" Dutchy begins.

"Well, you've got a clean slate." 2Dads shrugs again. "All those times you... I don't know... didn't pick your towel up off the floor?"

"If you think that's what married people fight about, 2Dads, you're in for a rude shock." Charge quips.

"Well... at least I'm trying here." He shrugs. "No. Listen. _Hammersley_ BBQ tomorrow. We're going to get her memories back."


	5. Chapter 5

She'd never have guessed the first to arrive would be 2Dads, but he pulls up his car in her driveway at twelve on the dot, Henry rushing out to greet him. "Hey, Thor!" 2Dads grins as Henry tears down the drive to jump into his arms. He ruffles the younger boy's hair and grins his childish grin, and Kate finds herself trying to gauge just how much 2Dads has changed. He still has the same boyish grin, but his hair is perhaps a little shorter, his face a little more lined. But it's the difference in the way he carries himself that catches her eye; no longer is it the semi-interested slouch of a troublemaker, but the confident paces of a man. 2Dads ruffles Henry's hair and grins. "How's my little dude going?"

"Okay." Henry nods, folding into 2Dads' embrace, leaning closer, although Kate still catches every word of his question. "Are you here to help Mum get her memories back?"

"That I am, little dude. We'll shake on it." 2Dads returns Henry to the ground and holds out his hand. There, they engage in a complicated sort of handshake, filled with clapping and waving, before Henry nods, as though the process has been some elaborate blood-oath.

"She's over there." Henry gestures in Kate's direction, and she just has time to pull herself out of her musings and try to pull together her most determined gaze before 2Dads moves towards her, closely followed by a pretty woman with a kind face.

"Ma'am." He greets, as he catches sight of Kate. "Ah, this is my wife, Tasha." He introduces the woman next to him, sliding an arm around Tasha's waist almost unconsciously. Kate raises an eyebrow against her will, but thankfully Tasha grins, holding out a hand.

"Pretty much everyone else's response when he said he was engaged." Tasha grins. "You coughed up half your wine when you heard. But it's great to... well, meet you?" Tasha scrunches her nose. "Geez, that's weird to say." She lets out a chuckle and grins. "Sorry, if I get all the syntax mixed up. But I guess me feeling weird is nothing compared to how you're feeling, hey?"

"Too true." Kate grins, and she finds she can't help but like Tasha, wondering vaguely if felt like that when she'd first met her. Finding that considering this hurts her head, she gives a little shake and gestures to the door. "Well... uh, you'd better come in, then."

* * *

The rest of the crew arrive over the next half an hour. Some, she recognises, like Charge, who claps her on the back, and Bird, who throws herself into Kate's arms the moment she sees her, teary-eyed, and Buffer, who had apparently come back as a sub-lieutenant after training at ADFA. But most of the faces she comes face to face with are strangers, and their names all churn together like sea foam. When everyone had been introduced (Henry and Dutchy of course knowing everyone), 2Dads steps onto one of her garden chairs in an attempt to make herself taller.

"Oi!" 2Dads calls out, effectively silencing all the chatter in the yard. Watching him with a mixture of curiousity and apprehension, Kate can't help but admire his self-appointed leadership of the 'recovery mission', as it had been put in the _Hammersley_ group chat that had been dinging on her phone in the last 24 hours. He stands in front of the crew with all the authority of a commander, glaring everyone down until silence falls, before calling to Kate. "So, tell us all what's the last thing you remember, boss?"

Kate quails under all the eyes that turn her way, but with an encouraging nod from Henry, she nods. "Ah..." She closes her eyes. "We had just come back from a mission. We'd been scoping out a marine sanctuary, thinking this group were throwing lobster pots over the side. When we boarded, things turned dangerous pretty quickly. Dutchy... knocked me over, apparently out of the way of the gun," She can't resist turning to him for this, still feeling a slight twinge of annoyance at the situation. "Bird and Dutchy gave chase, Dutchy managed to hit one of the guys but the other, Clarkson, escaped. Dutchy and I had an argument on the ship, we recovered the body. The dead guy had a phone on him with pictures of a boat in port."

"Was this the whole radioactive waste-slash-Ryan-kidnappers?" 2Dads interjects.

"Yeah!" Kate agrees, grateful she doesn't have to continue the recount. "But we choppered in, caught the bad guys and saved Ryan. And after that, I came home and went to bed and woke up... now." She gestures around with her hand and shrugs.

"Okay, so question is, did anything happen to the boss on our last patrol?" 2Dads peers around at the group at large. "Did she fall over, get sick? Did she bump her head or... anything?"

The rest of the crew shake their heads sadly, and Kate can't take the dispirited looks on their faces. "She graduated to five scoops of coffee?" Bird suggests feebly, shrugging as everyone turns to her.

"She didn't loop her ponytail like she normally does?" Suggests another new face whose name Kate has already forgotten.

"How is that important, Paddo?" Charge frowns.

"Just an observation." The sailor, Paddo, defends, holding up his hands in defence.

The yard falls into silence once more, and Kate feels uncomfortably aware of everyone's eyes on you. "Do you remember your phone code?" Charge enquires finally, tipping his head in curiousity. Kate shakes her head. "But you can unlock it?" Kate frowns, tugs her phone out of her pocket and finds her fingers moving without conscious thought. 5 - 2- 1 - 9. "So... you've still got your muscle memory? Or... whatever it's called." He sighs. "Wish we still had Robert here. He'd have some answers."

"Where is he?" Kate enquires, feeling puzzled by his absence.

"He got a transfer to Darwin." 2Dads fills in. "Look, guys, we've gotta figure this out. We need..."

"Look, guys." Kate interjects, unable to stand it any longer. "I know you're all trying to help but... but let's just... have a BBQ."

* * *

"Ma'am," 2Dads' hand on her arm stops Kate in the middle of her doorway, with the most serious look on his face Kate has ever seen. She lowers the tray she had been carrying to the bench and turns to face him as he lowers his voice to a conspiritorial level. "You need to listen to me extremely carefully. We don't have long. You know me as 2Dads - Leo Kosov-Meyer, but my real name is Niko Van Der Kamp, and I'm a member of ASIO. We recruited you-"

"No." Kate cuts across him, smirking as she picks up her tray once more and pushes past him, al-foil and tongs in hand. "Seriously, Henry already warned me about this." She grins. "And Dutchy. And pretty much every single person here."

"Okay, okay. So that was a lie." 2Dads grins, before his gaze turns serious once more. "But, Kate, you're like me. We have powers. I can control minds-"

"Nope."

"Okay." 2Dads drags a hand through his hair and adopts a solemn look. "I'm part of a cult that worships only blondes. You have been chosen-"

"That one is pretty weak." Kate rolls her eyes, dropping her al-foil, tongs and tray onto the bench next to the BBQ before twisting aorund to face him, arms crossly folded. "How many of these did you prepare?"

2Dads gives a shrug, then turns serious one more time. Kate, with no inclination to continue listening, twists around, smirking as 2Dads' voice follows her inside. "Dutchy's gas lighting you. You fell for me!" He calls after her retreating back.

* * *

The party doesn't wind down until five, by which point people start trickling off in twos or threes, until it seems to just be Kate and the 'original' crew; Dutchy, Charge, 2Dads and Bird, with whom Kate had spent much of her time, naturally flocking towards them whenever she found herself in conversation with one of the 'new' crew. Henry is seated on a chair next to the adults, swinging his feet happily for the hour they all sit and chat before they too start to make their goodbyes.

It isn't until he's standing in the doorway that 2Dads presses a USB into Kate's hand. "Here."

She looks at it suspiciously. "If this is another conspiracy theory-"

"It's not. It's... just videos I've shot over the years. Ah... ship's journal. Crew picnics... that sort of thing. It might help. I... I don't know." He shrugs. "I don't know what you're supposed to do when your friend loses her memory."

In spite of herself, Kate finds herself repeating the word. "Friend."

2Dads gives a sad sort of smile and nods, patting her on the back. "Yeah, Kate. Friend."


	6. Chapter 6

"Kate, you have to understand I can't just give you back command of the _Hammersley._ Any knowledge and training you've acquired over the last nine years is effectively gone." Maxine straightens a pile of files on the top of her desk and peers apologetically at Kate. Kate knows that she's not saying this to be a jerk, but the declaration stings nonetheless.

"I know you can't just _give_ me back a patrol boat. What I'm asking for is… something. I can't just sit at home anymore watching… videos of myself on the TV and having people asking me every five minutes if I remember anything. I need _something_ to do." Kate has a brief flash of shame at the fact that she's actually begging Maxine White, but decides on the whole it's still less painful than another month off work. "Please, Ma'am." She adds, lowering her voice. "Seriously, anything. Paperwork or... or proofreading. _Something."_

"Well... have you spoken to your family about this?" Maxine places her papers on the table, a look of concern on her face.

"Henry's at school. I'm just looking-"

"I meant Dylan." Maxine interjects, and Kate finds herself frown. "He's your fiancee, Kate. Whether you remember it or not. I'm sure 2Dads put his proposal on that collection of videos he was scavenging from us all?" Kate presses her lips together, trying not to recall her own hand shaking as it covers her mouth, and the tears in her eyes as she'd nodded _yes, yes, yes._

But there had been so many memories; her and Dutchy presenting the golden Labrador pup to Henry for Christmas, or the surprise party she'd thrown Dutchy. There'd been crew beach days and picnics and videos of her pregnant with Henry while Dutchy balances biscuits on her pregnant belly, laughing as the baby kicks from the inside and they tumble to a picnic mat. They'd cared for each other. They'd loved each other.

"Have you spoken to him yet?" Maxine presses, seeming to already know the answer.

"No." Kate admits, trying to justify away her guilt.

"Look, talk to Dylan and Henry. And then, if you still want to do this, I'll have something. I-" Maxine cuts herself off, eyes widening as she looks out into the main office. "Mike?"

* * *

"I... I can't believe this is happening." Mike murmurs, hands clasped around a coffee mug as he peers across the table at Kate. The cafe is crowded, but quiet enough that they can both hear each other easily from across the table. Two pieces of chocolate mudcake sit in between them, untouched. It's dark chocolate. "I mean, you really don't remember anything?"

"No." Kate affirms, her eyes raking over his appearance, taking in the ever-greying hair, and the weathered skin. "The last I remember, we were..." The end of her sentence catches in her throat, and she shakes her head. "It's not exactly something I can ask Dutchy."

"I guess we never did get our timing right." He smiles softly at her. "Well... after Jim passed, you were a bit of a wreck. And Dutchy was there for you in a time I... I couldn't be. Not in the way you needed. It was natural, I guess." He takes a gulp of his coffee and winces as it burns his throat, almost as though he's trying to dodge her questions.

"But that's not an answer. Are you saying... what _are_ you saying?" She feels her pulse quicken. Is he suggesting Dutchy had manipulated her, taken advantage of her grief?

Mike doesn't answer her immediately, taking his time stabbing at his cake with a spork and chewing the piece carefully before swallowing. "After we were... together. Well, the brass wouldn't let me leave _Hammersley_. I was miserable, begging for them to let me leave but they wouldn't. My time on _Hammersley_ was supposed to be done. We were supposed to be together. But a few weeks turned into a year and by that point Jim had returned and I don't blame you for moving on. You were probably lonely and with eyes on us... our relationship couldn't be what we... what we both wanted it to be. And it was hard because you and Dutchy were good friends by that point and... well, I don't feel like he ever really approved."

"Approved?" Kate repeats the word, unable to believe the implications of what he is saying. "And you really think I would have sought out his _approval_?"

"No!" Mike hastens to correct. "It's just... well, if you've got someone in your ear telling you to move on all the time, sooner or later you're going to feel obliged, right?" He ploughs on without waiting for a comment. "There was a feeling _someone_ put to you that my career was more important than you. And it wasn't, but proving that to you... it had never been my strong suit. So you were with Jim and... I think you were happy enough. And I guess Dutchy liked him better than me, because there didn't seem to be any animosity between them."

Kate peers closer at Mike, takes in the way his lip curls when he says Dutchy's name. What Mike is saying makes complete sense - it would explain how she had ended up with Dutchy at any rate, but at the same time, she closes her eyes and can see the hopeful, happy looks on hers and Dutchy's face, and has a hard time mistrusting the man who had been nothing but honest ever since she'd found herself in this predicament.

"And Jim died and... and pretty soon I found out you were pregnant. And it just felt like another barrier between us." He shakes his head and still Kate says nothing. "I was furious. At myself, mostly. But I'd asked you if you were pregnant and you'd lied to me and it was easier to turn my regret at having missed my chance into... into something more. You left the _Hammersley_ and we kind of stopped talking. It seemed like every time I was on shore leave and went to see you, Dutchy was already there, helping you assemble the baby's cot or... or cooking meals. He was just _always there._ "

Kate opens her mouth but finds she doesn't quite know what to say.

"And so... I took a posting. A transfer, to XO a frigate, and we had an argument. A big one. And... and one minute you were yelling and the next you were on the ground moaning and telling me something was wrong with the baby. But you didn't want my help. You wanted Dutchy and that... that hurt. And so I took the cowards way out and I left." He shakes his head. "Kate, you don't belong with him. He's... _we_ belong together."

"What's my son's name?" Kate presses, and Mike frowns.

"What?"

"Well, it just seems like if you're so sure we should be together, you should know his name. You keep saying 'it' and 'the baby'."

"I..." He hesitates. "Harry? No. But... it's... it's an older name? Starts with a 'H'..."

"You know..." Kate shakes her head. "Dutchy never told you exactly how much I remembered, did he? Because I remember you getting told you had to come back to _Hammersley_. And not once did you ask for your job at NAVCOM back. You told me that it would be okay, that we just had to _be professional,_ that you didn't have a choice. But you were never upset about it. And _miserable?_ "

"Okay, so... so part of me enjoyed being on _Hammersley._ But I left..."

"You left for yourself! Because you couldn't stand to see me pregnant to another guy. I... you lied to me. What else are you lying about?"

"Kate..."

"Admit it! You've spun the story you think _I_ want to hear, rather than the truth. Because first up, I know it was _Maxine_ who implied that your career was more important, not _Dutchy, and_ that you knew about it! She told me, because she didn't want me to find out from someone else about that. _Or_ about Ryan, who you haven't mentioned either. You know, _your_ son? Is he just a _barrier_ too?"

Mike hangs his head, and even though he does look sorry, he still hastens to justify his decisions. "Okay. I know... I know you're with Dutchy, whether you remember it or not, but the moment I heard about this amnesia I thought it was a chance to win you back. That you'd never remember all the horrible things I put you through."

"So you were going to lie to me?" She presses. "That's what all this is coming down to?"

"Kate!" He jabs an accusatory hand in her direction. "You can't tell me that you didn't wake up and think that you being with him was wrong."

"Because I couldn't remember! But he's told me nothing but the truth and he hasn't tried to use my memory against me!"

"Kate, this is a second chance. It's-" He seems to be searching for the right words to say. "Maybe it's the universe giving us-"

"If the only way for us to be together is for me to forget the horrible things you've done, then we shouldn't be together Mike." Kate interjects, and it's all she can do to resist picking up the rest of her coffee and pouring it on his head, or smearing the cake over his crisp white shirt. "I can't believe you! Is this the reason you came? Not to help, but to... use me?"

"I'm not trying to use you, Kate. I'm... but did you ever stop to think how this is for me?"

"Yeah." Kate mutters sarcastically. "Funnily enough, it was my first thought after discovering I'd lost nine years of my life and have a son I can't remember. _Geez, I hope this doesn't screw up Mike's life!_ Oh, wait! No, I was a bit more preoccupied with my son and my fiancee!"

Mike swallows hard on the word. It seems to be the only one he's registered. "Fiancee?" He repeats.

"Yeah." Kate squares her shoulders.

"Get real, Kate." He shakes his head. "You're still going to marry him? You don't know him-"

"And it turns out I don't know you either. But you know what? Thank you." She pushes her chair back, dropping five dollars on the table as she goes. "You've answered my questions of why we didn't work. Thanks for the coffee."

* * *

"Kate, are you... are you okay?" Kate very nearly crashes into Dutchy as she attempts to push past him up the stairs, covering her tear-stained face with a shaking hand. "Hey, hey?"

"Let me go!" Kate shouts. She has no idea where she's going, no clear destination. All she knows is she needs to get away, needs to be by herself and... and no. She wants him. Wants Dutchy to tell her something, _anything_ to make her feel better. "He lied to me." She whimpers, and she finds herself sinking towards the stairs. Dutchy grabs her, perhaps thinking she's about to tumble back down the stairs, but he lets go when she sits onto a step and drops her head into her knees. "He lied about everything! About you! About me! He blamed you for everything!"

"He... he lied?" Dutchy repeats. "Mike?"

"He said... how could he say such horrible things about you? When you've been here and he hasn't!"

Dutchy hesitates for a moment, then he too takes a seat next to her, their knees bumping together. "Kate, sometimes... sometimes people do dumb things when feelings cloud their judgement."

"I get that. But everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. He thought that just because I couldn't remember, he could rewrite our whole history. Make him look like the good guy while I'm the one sleeping around and confused about who I am!"

Dutchy hesitates for a moment, then wraps an arm around her shoulder. And it's easy, all so easy to rest her head on his shoulder as he rubs circles on her back. "Want me to go deck him?" He offers after a while.

"Yes. No." Kate hiccups. "I don't know. Crap, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to... I mean..." How cruel of her to offload her issues about Mike - an _ex -_ onto Dutchy. As if Dutchy wanted to hear.

"Kate, he's part of your story. And now your... your pages are a little confused, it's natural to... to skip back a few chapters." Kate feels him shift slightly. "Look, you're the bookworm, so I'm going to leave that analogy. Basically... he's a dick. And he did the wrong thing." He hesitates for a moment. "But if you want to be with him-"

"No! Of course I don't!" Kate shakes her head, pulling her head off his shoulder so that she can seek out his gaze, staring at him imploring him to believe her. "He couldn't even tell me Henry's name. I mean, 2Dads shows more care for Henry than _he_ did and..." She shakes her head. "I'm sorry. You don't want to hear me talking about my ex." She hiccups again, swiping angrily at her tears. "God, what if my memory never comes back? I mean, the doctors say there's nothing wrong. The psych says there's nothing wrong. It's just... what if I'm like this forever?"

"Then... you live the best parts of your life over and over." He suggests. "Hey, think of all the books you get to rediscover." He's trying to brightside her, like some instinctual part of her knows he always has. For some reason, this knowledge makes her feel even more guilty.

"But... 2Dads showed me the videos. There's so many moments... and we were happy. We... we loved each other. And now, you're... you're a stranger. An... an amazingly kind stranger nonetheless but... I can't do this. I can't doubt every moment of my life! I'm not that strong."

"Kate..." Dutchy says. "You're the strongest person I know." And as stares at him, he's so close and it doesn't seem too crazy an idea to lean forward and close the gap. But as she leans forward, he pulls away.

"Ah..." He stands up, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. "I'm... ah... going to grab Henry from school. And... and I'll grab some meat for dinner on the way back."

"Okay." Kate nods, still feeling dazed. "Okay." She repeats, as the front door slams.


	7. Chapter 7

At least she can still hit a target, her bullets punching holes in the cardboard silhouettes with astonishing accuracy. And it's not as if she _really_ wants to shoot Mike. She just finds that pretending it's him is surprisingly therapeutic. And it's oddly refreshing to find _something_ she hasn't forgotten to do (because _that's_ something to put on a resume. ' _Hey, I can't remember nine years of my life but at least I can still fire a gun!'_ The thought is so pathetic she drowns it out with a few more well-aimed shots.)

So many thoughts are swirling through her mind it's almost dizzying, like a movie on fast forward. Mike and his sincere face spouting lies is ingrained in her mind, as is the fact that she _still_ hasn't been able to recover one measly memory, but she finds that it's the almost-kiss she can't stop puzzling over. The colour of his eyes and the intensity of his stare as he looked at her, _really_ looked at her. But it had been her that had moved forwards, had almost kissed him. And he had pulled away.

 _Bang, bang, bang._

On paper, there's nothing wrong with kissing her own fiancee. But their story is not on paper, Kate reflects. It's real, and there are more people to get hurt than just herself and Dutchy. _Henry._ How can she love someone she barely knows?

"I thought I'd find you here." Maxine murmurs from behind her, pulling her from her thoughts. Her sudden presence would be enough to make a normal person jump, but years in the Navy have Kate trained on proper gun handling, and she waits until she's discharged the last few shots before removing the empty magazine from the pistol and turning to face the blonde. "Mike came to see me." Maxine begins without preamble.

"I don't want to hear any excuses for what he did." Kate warns the woman, busying herself with swapping out the empty magazine so that she doesn't have to look into Maxine's face. Sure, the older woman's honesty had been refreshing, but Kate was still unable to rid her mind of the image of Ryan, or Maxine being with Mike.

"And I'm not here to give any." Maxine agrees, perching on a bench behind Kate, so that Kate is forced to turn to face her. "He told me everything he'd said, and I almost tore him a new one."

Kate can't deny that the idea of an ally is a welcome one. "Well... thanks." Kate scratches at a spot on her arm. "But you didn't have to do that. I know you two are..." Kate trails off, unable to bring herself to finish the sentence, instead busying herself with retrieving her target and examining her shots.

Maxine seems to guess the end of Kate's unfinished sentence though, because she presses on. "Look, I came to say, I could use some help at NAVCOM, just with paperwork and reports and the like. It's nothing interesting, but if you still want-"

"Yes." Kate cuts her off before she's even finished the question. "Yes, please."

"Well, I'll see you at 0900 hours on Monday, then." Maxine nods curtly, and rises to her feet once more. Kate realises that she can't remember seeing Maxine White out of uniform before; the sight of her with her hair out and the loose grey t-shirt is quite strange. "And Kate... don't use this as an excuse to push away the people who care about you. Okay?"

But as Maxine leaves, Kate can't help but reflect that it had been _Dutchy_ who'd pushed her away.

* * *

Restlessness builds inside of her as she tosses and turns on the lounge. Never before has the clock ticked so loudly, the fridge hummed so much. Never has she been so aware of herself, of time passing by. When had her own house turned against her?

 _Probably when your own brain did too,_ she muses, huffing as she repositions herself once more and stares at the walls. Though it's too dark to properly view it now, she can still see the photograph hanging on the wall in her mind's eye; her, Henry and Dutchy, all laughing together as though mocking her. How long ago would that have been taken? Kate would have guessed Henry to be about four in the picture. God, why can't she just remember?!

As the digital clock on the blu-ray player ticks over to 0230, she jumps to her feet, unable to stand just being still any longer. Samson, the dog, lifts a head in mild curiosity for a moment, before lowering it once more to his bed and resuming his snoring. Kate moves in the direction of the front door, intent on maybe going for a run, or even a slightly-illegal-past-curfew swim at the lagoon, but instead she finds herself climbing the stairs as quietly as she can and moving towards her bedroom.

Dutchy is just visible as she pushes open the door, the sheets loose and untucked as though he too had undergone complications getting to sleep. Or maybe this was just how he always slept. Either way, he's on his back, one arm by his side, the other flung out in the direction of Kate's side of the bed, as though reaching for her. If he hadn't pulled away, would she be here now? Would she have fallen asleep beside him, or would she have pulled away and ran like he had moments before?

Before she can stop herself, she slips into the bed as quietly as she can, unable to fight the feeling that she's breaking some sort of rule. Dutchy mumbles something unintelligible but doesn't wake up, and for that, she's grateful. But just his presence beside her is calming, and she finds herself drifting off to sleep in no time.

* * *

The next morning she wakes up in much the same position she'd found herself in when all of this began, with a strong arm around her waist and heavy breathing beside her. But rather than fighting, as she had done the first day, she finds herself settling into his touch, closing her eyes once more and trying to imagine, just for a moment, what this would feel like if she _hadn't_ lost her memories.

Simply waking up next to someone she loved, who loved her back. Of having a family, of no urgency to rush away, and not having to keep their relationship a secret from the rest of the world. Why, that would be one of the greatest gifts of all.

* * *

The next time she wakes, the sun is fully up now, and through the hazy blur of sleep she just manages to see Dutchy climbing out of bed. When he sees her awake and peering at him he stops, perhaps expecting her to shout as she had the last time they'd found themselves like this. When it becomes apparent she's not about to say anything, however, he waves a lazy hand in greeting.

"Hey?" He tries tentatively, as though he's not quite sure what else to say. She supposes it _is_ a bit of an odd thing to find your... what are they again? Is it wrong to call each other 'fiancee'?

"Hey." Kate parrots, and she finds herself avoiding his gaze, as though it's burning. "I... sorry, I..."

"Don't have to apologise." Dutchy interjects, resuming his previous task and moving to dig some clothes out of the drawers. "It's your bed too."

"I... I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep." She's not sure why she feels the need to explain herself. Maybe it has something to do with the still-burning embarrassment of being rejected by him. And this is stupid. Why is she in bed with him? "I'll go. I..."

"It's fine." Dutchy assures her. "Seriously. It's... just forget it." There's something in the way he says _forget it_. A hardened edge to his words, like it's a challenge, or... a threat?

"I... I'm sorry." She repeats, not sure what else to say.

"Stop apologising! Geez, Kate! You can't... I don't blame you!"

"I... I-" Kate shakes her head. Another apology is on the tip of her tongue, but she knows that will only make things worse. "I don't know why I came up here."

"You've got a lot on your mind." Dutchy murmurs, almost like he's giving her an out.

"I..." She hesitates for a moment, wondering what is easier. Whether she should take the lifeline he's handing her, or whether she should dive back in. "I only... feel safe around you." She admits, feeling about as vulnerable as if she'd suddenly stripped naked in front of him. "You're... you're the only person I trust to tell me the truth. You're the only one I know wouldn't lie to me."

Dutchy hesitates for a moment, then perches on the edge of the bed once more. Kate feels the sheets tighten slightly as his weight tugs them. "I'd never lie to you." It's more than a declaration. It's a promise.

"I'm... I'm going to work at NAVCOM for a bit." Kate admits, feeling guilty about the admission, but more so at the thought of keeping it from him. "Just during the week for a bit... doing paperwork and stuff."

"Figured you'd crack sooner or later." Dutchy chews his lip thoughtfully. He doesn't look mad at all, rather resigned to the inevitability. "You were never the type to sit around. Do you think it will help?"

"I... I hope so." She admits, before pressing her face into the pillow. "But... I don't know. At what point do I give up? I mean... the doctors still have nothing. No ideas, no hypotheses, not even a wild guess."

"Well," Dutchy leans back against the headboard, and Kate looks up once more. "When we've eliminated all the possibilities, we talk about the crazy possibilities. So... you were abducted by aliens?"

Kate lets out a snort of laughter. "2Dads suggested the exact same thing. And... uh... no. I don't think so."

Dutchy looks thoughtful, scratching at his chin. "Alright, you had a car accident and you didn't tell anyone."

"There's no damage on the car." She points out.

"Uh... you were drugged?"

"Who was drugged?" Henry hovers in the doorway, looking worried. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." Dutchy pats a spot on the bed, and Henry leaps up. "We're thinking of crazy ideas about why Mum's memory is gone."

Henry grins, clapping his hands together. "Crazy ideas, you say?"


	8. Chapter 8

"It's better when the chocolate has melted a bit." Henry peers at Kate with the intensity of an ADFA lecturer, and Kate almost feels as though she should be taking notes. "You taught me that. And that it's always best if the marshmallow catches on fire just for a bit." Henry holds out his marshmallow on the skewer and allows it to catch on fire before blowing it out.

"Is not." Dutchy mutters darkly. Henry throws him a disgusted look.

"Dad likes his marshmallows cold." Henry reports, as though this is a crime punishable by death. He flashes Dutchy such an intense glare, Kate half-expects him to declare a Captain's Table, or send Dutchy to go and scrub toilets.

"I just don't see the appeal in my dessert catching _on fire_!" Dutchy snatches a marshmallow from the packet and stuffs it into his mouth. "See?" He adds, his voice slightly muffled from behind his sugary confection. "Delicious!"

"But it completely defeats the point of a s'more!" Henry protests as he sandwiches together his chocolate and marshmallow between two biscuits. "It's supposed to be warm and soft and gooey. You just don't understand." He gives a shake of the head, looking aged beyond his years, before holding out the s'more in Kate's direction. "You want the first one, Mum?"

"Yes!" Kate grins, taking a bite. "This is the best s'more I have ever tasted!" Kate grins. Henry beams with pride, already in the process of making his own. "Thanks, Henry."

"We always make s'mores when we do camping." Henry informs her, much in the same way he had when he'd taken her around Cairns. "It's better when it's on a fire, but the barbecue works just as well, don't you think?"

"Got marshmallow goo all over the sausages." Dutchy mumbles, but his smile leaves them with no doubt he's kidding. "Don't you two be filling up on sugar before you've had dinner."

"Yeah, yeah." Henry rolls his eyes, chocolate dripping down his chin. "She'll remember your nagging, no worries!"

* * *

"Camping always needs wine too!" Dutchy grins, passing a glass in Kate's direction before settling beside her in the mouth of the tent. "Backyard camping is never complete without alcohol."

"And... we do this often?" Kate's brow furrows, not quite convinced of just why they'd spend so much time setting up a tent to sleep in their backyard when they had perfectly good beds metres away.

"Eh, often enough. Henry's certainly an outdoorsy kid." He gestures towards the spot where Henry is sitting, his gaze fixed squarely towards the sky. "And don't knock it! Come to think of it, it was you that started this little tradition."

"Me?" Kate takes a sip of her wine, turning to Dutchy in order to get the story behind the comment.

"Yeah. Henry was at you to go camping, but you were worried he'd get scared. So... you called me and we set up the tent in your backyard. And he loved it." Dutchy gives a soft smile at the memory. "Dragged in half his bedroom into this bloody thing." He gestures towards the tent. "I swear, by the end of the night it was decked in fairy lights and about a million glowsticks, with all the bedding from your house and about every toy he's ever owned." Kate lets out a snort of laughter, nearly choking on her wine. Dutchy leans over and claps her on the back as she dissolves into a coughing fit. "You good there? Need to call an ambulance?" He jokes. Kate rolls her eyes, holding up a hand in the 'thumbs up' position, still coughing.

"Went... wrong way." She chokes out, clearing her throat. "Made me laugh."

"Well, that is my job, isn't it? As your memory relocation expert?"

"Oh, is that the official title?" Kate grins. "And-"

"Look! It's Mars!" Henry interrupts, pointing up towards a reddish looking speck in the sky.

"Yeah." Kate nods, pulling herself up taller and peering out. "Yeah, it is. What else can you see?"

"Hmmm..." Henry sticks his tongue between his teeth as he thinks. Kate wants to hug him and never let him go. "That's... Andromeda? Right?" He points to a cluster of stars.

"Yeah, it is." Kate grins, moving closer towards him and pointing up high. "And... do you know that one?"

"Cetus." Henry says after a few moments. "The whale." He looks to Kate for confirmation. "So... that would be Pisces? And... Aries is there?"

"Wow." Kate grins, genuinely impressed. "You're good at this."

"You taught me." Henry grins, blushing slightly. "I like the stars."

"Yeah." Kate leans back on her arms slightly, her gaze fixed upward. "Me too."

* * *

Kate recounts the story behind the constellation Pisces, of its association with Aphrodite and Eros. She's not entirely convinced the tale makes an appropriate bedtime story, but Henry seems to know majority of the tale anyway and she'd much rather recount mythology than have to muddle through something she can't remember.

By the time Kate has reached the part about them diving into the ocean, Henry is fast asleep on the air mattress, fists clenched around his sleeping bag while Kate strokes his hair in an unconscious fashion. For a long time Kate just watches him, trying to make out the different pieces of him - Jim and her intertwined. But as she looks at him, she finds she can't see him as anyone other than _Henry._

"So now what happens?" Dutchy breaks the silence. Kate jumps, having almost forgotten he was still sitting in the mouth of the tent. "In the story." He clarifies, when she fails to answer. "Eros and Aphrodite? Do they get away?"

"Yeah." Kate nods, grateful he's asking about the story rather than things Kate has no answer to. "They escape from Typhon with the help of two fish, and these fish are honoured in the constellation Pisces." Kate points up to the sky. "See... there?"

Dutchy follows her gaze. "Oh yeah. So is that your favourite story?"

"No." Kate tips her head, taking another sip of wine. "I like the tale of Eurydice and Orpheus."

Dutchy shuffles slightly closer before laying down on his back, so that he's staring up at the stars. Kate mimics his position, their heads practically next to each other while their bodies sprawl out in opposite directions. "What happens in that one?"

Kate closes her eyes for a moment, wanting to tell the story right. For some reason it's important to her that Dutchy understand _why_ she loves this tale so much. "Well... Orpheus was a lyre... a musician with such talent that even Apollo was impressed. It was said he had the most beautiful melodies that no one could ever resist them. And he fell in love."

"As all do." Dutchy chimes in.

"Quite." Kate agrees, smirking. "Her name was Eurydice, and she was beautiful. They married and... they were happy. But one day Eurydice was wandering through a forest with the Nymphs and was bitten by a snake. She died instantly. Orpheus was heartbroken, singing his grief to the world and touching everyone with his grief. But it wasn't enough. So he decided to descent to Hades to see his wife. Protected by the gods, who were in awe of his grief, he managed to charm Cerberus, the three headed dog and rpesent himself to the god of the underworld, Hades." Dutchy shifts somewhat in his seat, his gaze fixed intently on Kate. "Hades was so touched by Orpheus' melodies, that he agreed Orpheus could take Eurydice with him under one condition. Eurydice would follow while walking out, but he could not turn back to look at her, or he would lose her forever. If he was patient, he'd have her as a normal woman again by his side."

"And I'm guessing that this story doesn't have a happy ending." Dutchy muses sadly.

"He couldn't hear her footsteps." Kate continues. "And he started to fear he'd been fooled. He was only a few feet away from the exit when he turned, losing his faith. And she was whisked away from him forever."

Dutchy sits in silence for a moment, then shakes his head. "And that's your favourite?"

"I... I don't know why." She muses. "It just... is."

Dutchy nods soberly. "I guess... there's something to be said for walking to the ends of the earth for the woman you love."

"Yeah." Kate agrees. She's glad he's said it, rather than her. "I guess that's human nature. Searching for that person you would walk to the ends of the earth for."


	9. Chapter 9

When she wakes up, it's to find Dutchy's sleeping bag empty. Finding this disconcerting, Kate pushes herself into a sitting position, the sleeping bag making a ruckus in the sleepy silence. Judging by the pale blue of the sky outside, it's just after daybreak, and all around is the sound of birds squawking. Kate throws a glance behind her, but Henry is still asleep, much in the same position as he had been last night. Rising, Kate unzips the tent entrance and spots Dutchy almost immediately, tapping away on his phone as he leans against the now cold barbecue.

"Hey." She greets, stretching her hands above her head and hearing her joints pop satisfyingly. "Been awake long?"

"For a bit." Dutchy answers shortly, and Kate feels her alarm peak as she realises he's avoiding her eyes. There's something in his gaze that reminds her of his first days on _Hammersley,_ when he could hardly look at her, and she finds herself taking a step closer to him. "I... I had to send some messages."

"Hmm..." Kate hums, wondering whether humour will get him to speak. "Got some important emails to send? The world falling apart during our little camping trip?"

Dutchy doesn't smile. "I... I wanted to have a word with you." He begins.

"Nothing good ever comes of that." Kate swallows hard, wondering what is going to change now. Is he going to declare his love for her, or accuse her of faking her amnesia, or...

"I've… uh… I've called my brother." Dutchy holds up the phone for a moment, as though the method of communication is the part of the conversation Kate will find most puzzling. "I... I'm going to go and stay with him for a little bit."

"What?" Kate feels her jaw drop. "I... what?"

Dutchy keeps talking, as though there had been no interruption. He sounds as though he's filling in all of the information for her, determined to keep talking so that Kate has no chance to protest. "He's only just out of Cairns so I'll still be able to work and… and I can pick up Henry when you need. It won't affect work, I promise. And I'll still see him all the time."

"Why are you doing this?" She hates how damn weak her voice sounds, hates the tremor in her tone and the way that her eyes are filling up with tears, because dammit she _hardly knows him,_ but suddenly she's found herself fighting back the urge to fall to the ground and beg him not to leave her.

The question seems to be the very one Dutchy had feared, and he too looks as though he's swallowing back tears. Or is she reading too much into it, seeing the things she _wants_ to see? She longs to be able to see into his mind, to know for sure. Dutchy looks as though he's choosing his words very carefully, but as he finally speaks, his voice is quite steady. "Kate, you don't _need_ me here."

The statement is so obviously wrong that Kate can't fight the laugh that bubbles from her throat. "I… I do."

"No, you don't." Dutchy still won't look at her in the eye, is still talking to her in that closed-off way and she needs to know _why._ "You need help but… maybe I can give you that help _and_ a little distance to figure all this out. I mean… you're… you're trying to remember who you are-"

"And you're helping me." She interjects, irritation taking over her fear and hurt. "You're the only one helping me, so how's that going to help when you-"

"I'm not the only one helping you! And… honestly I'm not sure how much help I am anyway. I feel like all I'm doing is pressuring you to remember a life you can't and-"

"You're not pressuring me!"

"-you're not sure you really want anyway-"

"It's not... that simple-"

"-so I'm trying to make it simple!" Dutchy's voice rises above hers. "It's... I'm leaving, Kate. And I… I cancelled all the wedding stuff."

The world is spinning, faster and faster, and Kate is clinging on by her fingertips. "But-"

"It's too hard. For both of us. Kate, you're in no position to get married and me being here... it just makes everything more complicated." He heaves a heavy sigh and pushes himself up. "I'm going to pack my stuff. And... I'll wait until Henry wakes and tell him in person."

"Yeah." Kate spits. "I'm sure that'll be a great comfort to him."

He actually flinches, and Kate feels a savage stab of pleasure. Why should this be easy for him? How could he leave her now when she was just...

Just _what_?

Dutchy drags a hand through his hair. "One day you'll realise... I'm trying to do the right thing." For the first time during their conversation, he meets her gaze, and he seems to be almost imploring her to understand, to say something reassuring to make this all seem amicable. But she turns away, holding back furious tears.

"Yep." She bites her lip. "Always the bloody hero, Dutchy."

* * *

Slowly, Kate finds herself sinking into a routine of sorts. Every morning, she drops Henry off at school, and then makes her way to NAVCOM ready to start work. After filing paperwork for hours on end, she leaves at around five and arrives home, Dutchy leaving shortly after so that it's just her and Henry each night. She and Dutchy don't talk, save for the near-report-like conversations as he hands over responsibility, usually along the lines of " _he's got a home reader in his bag", "there's a permission slip on the fridge"_ or _"he was hungry so I made him an early dinner."_ Sometimes, he'll look at her as though he wants to say more, but Kate can't bring herself to let him in again, and keeps the conversation strictly about Henry.

For the most part, Kate copes. Of course, there's a difference between coping and thriving, and she's definitely leaning towards the former. But they do as well as can be expected, with only the odd hiccup along the way, like Kate forgetting her internet banking password, or not understanding how to use Netflix. For the most part, Henry teaches Kate whenever she needs it, showing the strong technological know-how as most children do.

Kate notices that he spends more time with Kate, no longer retreating to his room in the evenings to read comics or play Lego, but dragging his toys into whichever room Kate happens to be, or else challenging her to races on the PlayStation.

* * *

"Dutchy! What are you doing here?" Charge lifts his drink in cheerful greeting as Dutchy enters the bar.

"Aaaay!" 2Dads gives a half-cheer as he too spots his friend, dragging a chair from a nearby table and dragging it to their own, patting it eagerly. Dutchy nods mutely, first heading to the bar and ordering a drink, before taking the proffered chair. " _Hammersley_ is back in port and we have two days leave to celebrate!" He grins. "So... what are you doing here, Dutch?"

"I..." Dutchy hesitates for a moment, then takes a gulp of drink. "I ended things with Kate."

Charge's face drops. "Oh." He claps a hand onto his friend's back. "I... sorry, mate." He throws an anxious glance at 2Dads, who shrugs. "I... you want to talk about-"

"No." Dutchy shakes his head. "I... I just want to drink." He drains the rest of his beer, practically sculling it.

"Okay." Charge nods, looking oddly sober in spite of the collection of drinks in front of him. "Next round is on me."


	10. Chapter 10

She pushes thoughts of Dutchy to the back of her mind. What else can she do? After all, she can't remember him being a part of her past and now... well, he'd seen to it that he wouldn't be a part of her future either. For the most part, she focuses on Henry, and work. She throws herself into her work at NAVCOM so intently that at night she dreams of paperwork, and sees documents when she closes her eyes.

It's two weeks after he left that she bumps into Mike, standing outside NAVCOM looking as though he'd rather be anywhere but there. He doesn't look surprised to see Kate. On the contrary, he seems to steel himself, approaching her with a determined air that sets Kate on edge immediately. After all, what more can he say, what other lies can he sprout?

"Can we..." He hesitates, eyes fixed upon her feet. "Can we grab a coffee, Kate?"

* * *

"I... I wanted to apologise. Again." He looks sorry too, that's the annoying thing. There are shadows under his eyes and stubble on his chin that are indicative of sleepless nights, and she can't decide whether she's glad or not. She's opted not to order anything this time, intent on nothing else but getting home to Henry and maybe watching a few episodes of TV with him before bed. The more she thinks about it, the more she can't believe she's even giving him the time of day. She cups her water close to her, feeling her resolve strengthen. She will not be pushed over this time. "I... I really am sorry."

"What do you want me to say here, Mike?" She presses, her eyes narrowed in his direction. She holds her arms out wide, as though inviting him to present his case to her. When he says nothing, she feels her irritation grow. "You... you lied to me. Over and over again. Why would I believe that you're sorry now?"

"Because... because I am. Honestly. I... if I could change what I said..." He exhales deeply, his eyes pleading with her. "I have no excuses. No reason for what I did. I... I convinced myself it was a second chance for us but now I see..." He only stammers when he's nervous. "Kate, we always had terrible timing. But... it's not just the timing's fault. It's mine. I... I was wrong. And... and you belong with Dutchy. I... I was jealous of the happiness you both seem to have but... but after seeing you again... Kate, you were happy. You... you deserve to be happy again. And part of me hoped that it was a chance for us to be happy but now I see... we missed our chance. I missed our chance. And... shit, I'm just so sorry, Kate."

Kate bites her lip, but finds her determination outweighing her forgiveness. She's sick of feeling weak, sick of being the one that was pitied, the one that needed to be fixed, the one that fell at everyone's feet. "Well... well it doesn't matter anyway. Dutchy and I aren't together." Even she is impressed at the way she can proclaim that so unemotionally.

Mike's eyes widen. She wonders for a moment if he's going to see it as another chance. Then, "What?!" He splutters. "But..."

"We ended things." How can her voice sound so cool when she's falling apart inside?

"That bastard." Mike mutters, his grip tightening on his coffee cup. "That bastard. I'll-"

"It wasn't his fault! And... it's none of your business." She gains a small amount of satisfaction from the way he flinches.

"But... what if I want it to be my business? What if-"

"No." Kate cuts him off, playing with the condensation on her glass. "You... you hurt me, Mike. And... I know that you had your reasons, and that you regret it, but... it doesn't change things. I can't remember trusting Dutchy. But I... I remembered trusting you. And you destroyed that."

There are tears in her eyes, so her vision is blurred, but there's a wetness to Mike's gaze too that _might_ just be tears. Or maybe she's imagining things. Mike wouldn't cry for her. "I'm sorry." He repeats finally.

"Why are you here, Mike?" Kate has no time for apologies, or excuses. "Why are you in Cairns again?"

"I've..." Mike clears his throat. "I've been offered a position here. Maxine has leave coming up and she's going to travel for a bit. So I've been asked to step in as head of NAVCOM." Kate exhales deeply at the bloody irony of it all. "Is that going to be a problem?" He presses. "I haven't accepted yet."

"But you want to." Kate guesses.

"I... I miss Cairns. But if it's going to be too hard, me being your boss again-"

"You..." Kate clenches her fists, recalling a multitude of pros and cons. Then she shakes her head. "Do what you want, Mike. It's... it's your life. Not mine."

"Kate..." Mike hesitates for a moment, then smiles at her. "I care about what you think. I know I was a jerk. But... I would love us to be friends again."

Now it's Kate's turn to freeze. For a full ten seconds she stares at him. Then she shakes her head. "I... I'll think about it, Mike."

* * *

"And as Icarus flew higher and higher, he marvelled at the way the world looked. The sparkling sun on the sea, the air rushing by. But he flew higher and higher, ignoring his father's warning, the hot sun began to melt his the wax of his wings until he fell, with nothing to carry him, and drowned in the deep water below."

Henry gives a wry smile as he scrubs at a dirty plate in the sink. "That's why people say _don't fly too close to the sun._ " He concludes.

"That's right." Kate agrees. "And-" But a knock at the door cuts her off, and she looks up, frowning slightly.

"Maybe it's Dad?" Henry shrugs, looking mildly curious. But Dutchy had left only an hour ago, and Kate could think of no reason why he'd be back at this time.

"I'll get it." Kate grins. "You keep washing."

But a moment later there's a scraping of the lock and the door opens and closes. Now feeling slightly alarmed, Kate finds herself pull Henry behind her as a figure makes its way into the room.

It takes a full ten seconds for Kate to register who is standing in her living room. Then she feels her jaw drop. "Mum?!"


	11. Chapter 11

"Mum?" Kate repeats, feeling her eyes widen as she takes in the woman she hasn't seen for... well, she's not entirely sure. After all, time periods really aren't her thing at the moment. "Ah... what are you doing here?"

Vanessa drops her key upon the bench as though she was an expected guest, beaming widely. Kate is still wondering where her mother had even gotten the key when the older woman starts talking. "Well, I hear my only daughter has suddenly gone crazy, and I make time for her. Your fiancee spoke to me. Dean? Drew? D-something? Sexy voice by the way! Anyway, I came as soon as I could. Oh, my little girl-" Vanessa rushes forward and wraps Kate in a tight hug. Kate barely has time to even consider where to put her arms when Vanessa pulls away again, turning to face Henry, still tucked behind Kate. "And this must be... Harry?"

"Henry." He answers, his voice quieter than Kate has ever heard it. "We've met before, remember Nanna? At your birthday party."

"Oh, God, don't call me Nanna! That makes me feel ancient. Nah, you can just call me Ness, okay?" Vanessa leans forward and plants a kiss on Henry's cheek, leaving a crimson lipstick stain behind. Henry rubs at it, eyes still wide.

"What are you doing here?" Kate repeats. "I mean, the last I can remember seeing you, you told me if I was going to join the navy-"

"Oh, that's all ancient history, babe. You and me are good. And it's like I said, of course I'm going to come if my baby is having trouble. So... I can stay for a week, maybe two if I can swing it with work. So... don't you worry about a thing. We're going to get you right in no time!" And leaving Kate still spluttering, Vanessa makes her way upstairs.

* * *

"You called my mother?" Kate hisses into the phone, Samson panting heavily beside her. Vanessa had muttered something about _dog hair is everywhere, Katie, I don't know how you stand it,_ and the dog, perhaps sensing that the love was not mutual, had sought sanctuary in Kate's room instead. "What were you thinking?"

"You and her have gotten on better now." Dutchy replies, and Kate can just picture him shrugging his shoulders in some casual way that makes her feel as though she's overreacting. "She was actually... pretty good when you were pregnant with Henry." He seems to predict her look of incredulity. "Hey, your words not mine." He heaves a heavy sigh. "You guys catch up quite a bit now. At least a few times a year. Look, she called me. Apparently she'd left some messages or something and you hadn't gotten back to her. She was worried. I... I told her the truth. Or the basics, anyway."

"I can not remember having anything to do with her since I was in high school!" Kate pauses for a moment as she hears her mother's heels click along the tiles towards the spare room. She feels like a teenager, talking to a boyfriend after curfew on the phone. "And now she's in my house, telling me my conditioner has too many chemicals and recommending organic kitchen sprays. I don't remember having a hippie for a mother."

"Well, be glad you can't remember being pregnant with Henry. She was all at you for a natural birth." Kate rolls her eyes at Dutchy's apparent amusement at the situation.

"She was high half of my childhood!" Kate is only just keeping her voice down. "You don't know what you've subjected me to!"

"I'm sorry." Dutchy murmurs, and he sounds it too. "I can... come over if you need help-"

"No! No, I just..." She remembers that Dutchy left, that it was all over between them. For a moment, he'd felt like a confidant, a friend. But he didn't want that with her. "Okay, I... I'd better go make sure she's not weaving dreadlocks into Henry's hair or anything."

There's a scratching, and Kate imagines Dutchy running his hand over his chin. "Yeah, I'll... I'll talk to you soon."

* * *

"So you can't remember a thing about the last nine years?" Vanessa repeats, mouth agape in horror as she takes a sip of something Kate can't identify. Vanessa had offered Kate a glass too, but Kate had taken one look at the glutinous green concoction and declined.

"No, I can't." Kate sighs, taking a gulp of her water. She'd gone for a bottle of wine, but had instantly regretted it as her mother started jabbering on about toxins and depressants, and had opted for water instead, just to keep the peace. "But I can remember you asking me that exact question at least ten times, and the answer hasn't changed." Vanessa says nothing about this proclamation, instead rolling her eyes.

"Fine, fine. Forgive me for being concerned." Her smile turns to a smirk as she leans closer to Kate. "So what's the go with that handsome fiancee of yours? I mean, the only reason to kick him out of bed in the morning would be to do it on the floor, am I right?"

"God, Mum, stop!" Kate rolls her eyes, throwing an anxious glance over at Henry. Thankfully, the young boy is occupied with a new Lego set, creating some sort of spaceship. "Please don't traumitise my child just because you can't keep it in your pants."

"Oh, hon, I wouldn't sleep with him!" Vanessa assures. "He's mad about _you_ anyway. But... I must say I was looking forward to seeing him again."

"Well, we've ended things." Kate reports, trying, like she had with Mike, to keep her voice curt and to the point. "So there's nothing really to comment on, now, is there?"

"Ended things!" Vanessa scoffs. "But that's the most ridiculous thing I've heard. So many people would kill for the opportunity to fall in love again and you-"

"But how do I know I was really in love?" The question tumbles from Kate's mouth before she can stop it. For a moment, Kate wishes she could cram them back in with all those other ugly questions floating around in her head, but Vanessa is already tipping her head in thought.

"What do you mean, Baby?"

"I mean..." Kate hesitates for a moment, then ploughs on. "How do I know I was really in love. I mean, I can't remember it-"

Vanessa lets out a scoff of laughter. "Look around, Darling!" She gestures with her arms at the pictures on the wall. "I could see it the moment I met him. And... so what if you can't remember. You have the chance to explore it all over again!" A wistful look comes over Vanessa. "Why, if I'd had the chance to fall in love with your Daddy again-" Vanessa sighs heavily, and blows a kiss up to the sky.

"Dad died from alcohol poisoning. I can't imagine what would be so romantic about reuniting with that." Kate can't keep the bitterness from her voice.

"Well, he wasn't always so melancholy. He had issues, your Papa." Melancholy certainly isn't the first word Kate would choose to associate with Frank McGregor, but she decides against pointing that out to Vanessa.

"Well, Dutchy isn't Dad, anyway. So I don't see why we're getting all worked up about it-"

"Because you've broken off an engagement!" Vanessa exclaims. "You're suffering, darling, and I worry about you!"

"Mum, I'm okay. Alright? I just need to concentrate on my life and... and the memories will come back if they're meant to. But if not, then... well, I'm going to spend my time doing what I love, with the people I love-"

"Which should be your fiancee..." Kate rolls her eyes, but Vanessa presses on. "Listen, you. When you've seen as much of love as I have-"

"I don't need a _love_ speech right now." Kate interjects. "Please, Mum. Just... not now." She sucks in a breath. "I don't want to end up like him." She murmurs, more to herself than to Vanessa. "I can't."

"I think I'm ready for bed." Vanessa pushes herself to her feet, very nearly dropping her glass of gloop in the process. "I'll see you in the morning, Darling. I-"

"Why don't we ever talk about him?" Kate presses, and Vanessa freezes. "You talk about Dad, but when it comes to Isaac-"

"Enough." Vanessa holds her arm out. "Enough." Even Henry has turned around, a puzzled look on his face. "I'm off to bed." Vanessa repeats, sweeping from the room without another word.


	12. Chapter 12

"I can see why you moved out here, Darling. It's beautiful! The reefs and the... the _people-"_ Vanessa's head follows a group of shirtless-twenty-something-year-olds as they stride past, so distracted that she staggers into Kate's path and very nearly sends the both of them sprawling on the footpath.

"Mum!" Kate groans, feeling her face flush as she just manages to keep herself upright. "Can you _not_?"

"Hon, I'm not dead yet." Vanessa quips, flashing a smile towards her daughter. Kate glances around, checking that Henry is still with them. The young boy is several steps in front, so engrossed in walking Samson that he is oblivious to the scene behind him. Following on after Henry, Kate rolls her eyes as Vanessa continues to talk. "What I _don't_ understand is why you'd pass up all of this to sit on a boat for months at a time. I mean, does it really matter if people fish a little?" Knowing that arguing the importance of maintaining the Economic Exclusion Zone will acheive nothing, Kate simply shrugs, and Vanessa ploughs on. "So, I think you should see a friend of mine. Her name is Crystal, and she's very lovely. She's quite perceptive and I'm sure she'll have your memories back in no time. She does live in Brisbane back home but... well, you could always come to stay for a little with me. That would be fun, wouldn't it?" Vanessa hands Kate a deep purple business card. Kate catches up to Henry as he pummels a pedestrian light button, and scans the business card quickly.

"God, Mum, I don't need a tarot reader!" She has to fight the urge to tear the card into pieces. It was so like her mother to have a psychic.

"She doesn't just read tarot!" Vanessa defends, her arms raised in defence. "She's helped me with some big decisions lately. She's a true clairvoyant and-"

"Now _that's_ an oxymoron." Kate interjects, not even bothering to hide her contempt.

The light turns green and Vanessa seizes Kate's hand, squeezing as though she's a toddler and not a grown woman. "Oh, now what happened to the little girl who used to beg me to take her to the forest to look for fairies?" Kate pulls her hand away fast.

"She grew up." Kate deadpans. "And got a job. And stopped believing in this... nonsense." She tries to hand the card back, but Vanessa folds her arms, and Kate shoves it into her pocket to join several crumpled lolly wrappers.

Vanessa sighs in a tired sort of way and continues on. "Well, either way, I think you should come to stay with me for a little. You're obviously quite confused about what's happening and-"

"I just... I want to be somewhere familiar. I like being home. With Henry." Kate's gaze travels to Henry once more, at the joyful look on his face as he leads Samson around. "I just want to be a good Mum to him."

She expects more protests from Vanessa, but is pleasantly surprised when none more come. Instead, Vanessa digs into her bag and draws out a hairclip, securing her own blonde locks. Kate wonders vaguely whether there was an ethical blonde hair bleach her mother was using, or whether her judgement at chemicals did not yet extend towards her physical appearance.

"So... you never _did_ tell me." Vanessa interrupts, and Kate steels herself for another attack. "Henry's father?" The older woman purses her lips, and Kate forces herself to shrug.

"He's dead." She answers. thinking of chocolate mousse and throwing Molotov cocktails at mercenaries. "Jim died before Henry was born. I don't know what he has to do with-"

"Your Dylan said that he was in the defence force too." Her lip curls. "You do seem to have a type, don't you!"

Kate drags her sunglasses over her eyes. "Do we have to talk about my love life?"

"What love life?" Vanessa challenges. "From what I've heard, you've practically shut up shop! All I'm saying is you can't live like a nun forever."

"Henry!" Kate calls out, ignoring Vanessa. "Want an ice cream?"

* * *

"Ness is kind of weird." Henry muses quietly as Kate sits with her back resting against his bed, watching Henry play with his Lego. There's a quiet sort of intensity that seems to radiate from him as he concentrates on each individual piece, joining them together to make different creations. She wishes she could employ the same effort and get some memories back.

"She's always been weird." Kate agrees, and Henry gives a relieved smile. Perhaps he'd thought she would tell him off for saying it. "Even when we were kids."

"We?" Henry frowns, and Kate inwardly curses at her slip of the tongue.

"Ah, I meant me. When _I_ was a kid." She corrects. She's not exactly sure why she's hiding things from Henry, other than the reasoning that if she hadn't already told him, she'd probably thought he didn't need to know. "Do you like her?"

"She's... she's not like Grandma and Grandpa. Or Nan and Pop." He muses, scrunching up his nose, before catching her gaze. As if he knows she's confused, he adds, "Grandma and Grandpa are Dutchy's Mum and Dad. And Nan and Pop are Jim's."

"Thanks." She forces a smile. It shouldn't be up to Henry to fill in the blanks of her life. "But... do you like her?"

"She's funny sometimes. And she's weird with what she says but... she's normally right? Like I was telling her about how Dominic won't play with me at school if Brendan's there, and she told a really long story but she basically said that Dominic doesn't sound like a good friend either. And it's true. Dominic shouldn't ignore me just because Brendan's there."

Kate turns in alarm to face Henry. "Are people... is school hard?"

"Sometimes." Henry shrugs nonchalantly. "But I play with Luke and Josh now and they're nice. So it's better now."

Kate knows only guilt as she peers at her son. "You didn't tell me that before."

He shrugs once again. "Well, you had other stuff to worry about."

The guilt increases, and Kate crouches down in front of him, fixing her gaze on him. "Henry, I always want to hear about how you're going, okay?"

"Okay." Henry agrees, just as a motorbike rumbles outside. Henry jumps up. "That'll be Dad."

Kate frowns. "Dutchy's coming over?"

"Ness invited him." Henry grins. "Come on!" And tugging on her hand, he pulls her downstairs.

* * *

"So, Dylan. Henry tells me the wedding is off." Vanessa begins, and Kate very nearly chokes on her mother's vegetarian lasagne. From the moment Vanessa had told her she was cooking, Kate had known this dinner would be a disaster. And now her mother was interrogating Dutchy as though he was a level one perp.

"Mum!" Kate groans. "Can you not?" They've hardly even had three bites of the food for goodness' sake, and her mother wanted to get into that now. Come to think of it, she was pretty sure she didn't want her mother to discuss it _ever,_ but that was definitely asking too much.

The older woman waves a hand in lazy dismissal of Kate's discomfort, as though Kate was nothing more than a hysterical toddler. "Darling, I'm just making conversation. So how did you propose to Kate?" She turns back to Dutchy.

"Uh..." Dutchy hesitates, looking between Kate and Vanessa. "Well, I just... um... asked her?"

"But where? What did you say?" Vanessa presses.

"We were on the wharf off _Hammersley._ And it was sunset. And I'd asked Henry before, and he had said yes. And so I asked her." Dutchy's gaze is locked onto Kate's. She'd seen the video of it all on 2Dads USB of forgotten memories, and his description was understating everything he'd said and done, but she understands why he's playing it down. "But I'd rather marry Kate for... who she is, rather than a version she's not sure of." He seems to have predicted Vanessa's next questions, and is already answering them. "We ended things because she's not in the right place to be pressured by a preexisting relationship on top of everything else."

"Oh, nonsense." Vanessa waves away Dutchy's words. "I'm sorry, but that's bullshit."

"Please don't curse in front of Henry." Kate's voice is low and dangerous, and perhaps Dutchy senses her rage, because he brushes a hand against hers, so briefly she might have imagined it.

"Look, Vanessa. I know you feel strongly about this, but... it wasn't a decision I made lightly. And it's not something myself or Kate feel comfortable speaking about. So I think it's best we drop the subject."

But Kate finds herself bubbling with rage, as she peers up at her mother. "Why is it that your openness to discuss everything under the sun only seems to extend to my life, but the moment I mention-"

"I really hope you're not going to become a petulant child right now." Vanessa murmurs in a warning tone, and there could almost be sparks flying from both of their eyes as they lock onto each other.

"Well, you're here." Kate holds her arms out wide. "So why don't we talk about my brother?"

"Henry..." Dutchy begins gently, turning to the young boy. "Why don't you go and check Samson's been fed? I'll come get you in a minute." Despite having hardly touched his dinner, Henry nods, his eyes wide, and scampers towards the back door.

All three adults wait until Henry has left the room before Vanessa turns to Kate. "Your brother is not the reason you've gone around the twist."

Kate slams her cutlery down on the table. The clatter echoes throughout the living room. "I haven't gone _around the twist_ , as you so eloquently put it. But I'd like to talk about him. After all, he was the reason you didn't want me around at home, wasn't he? Because I kept believing in him?"

"Enough!" Vanessa snaps, turning to Dutchy. "Dylan, I'm sorry you have to hear this-"

"She's already told me about Isaac." Dutchy interjects. " _Everything_ about him."

Vanessa's nostrils flare, but Kate is beyond reining in now, as she continues. "The minute he got arrested you made him feel worthless! Always going on about what a disappointment he was."

"I never thought he was a disappointment. How dare you say such a-"

"And then he OD'd because _you_ couldn't forgive him. But it wasn't his fault!"

"No," Vanessa agrees, her own voice rising dangerously. "It was _yours_!"

There's a ringing silence in the wake of her words. And then Kate pushes herself into a standing position. "Gee. Thanks, Mum." And she sweeps from the room without another word.


	13. Chapter 13

"Thought I'd find you here." Dutchy murmurs, taking a seat next to her on the picnic bench. He keeps his gaze fixed out on the water too, just as she had, so that she could hide her tears.

"Where's Henry?" She asks, praying her voice sounds stronger than she feels. She doesn't want him to see her like this. Not when he already thinks she's weak.

"He's at my brother's." Dutchy assures her. "Connor and Henry will be battling it out on the PS4. They have a score to settle."

Kate would have laughed if she didn't feel so miserable. "I probably scared him, didn't I?"

Dutchy heaves a heavy sigh. "Eh, not really. For the most part, he was outside with Samson."

Kate nods soberly, shredding her fingernails as she watches two seagulls dart around each other. "I... I can't remember what I told you about Isaac."

"Everything." Dutchy repeats the same words he'd said at dinner. "You told me everything."

Kate nods once more, still staring out at the waves. "And what exactly was that?"

Dutchy turns to her for the first time since sitting next to her, and she turns to face him, even though looking at him brings out a vulnerability she hates. "I... I don't think that's going to do you any good."

Her eyes widen in shock. "What?"

Dutchy turns out towards the water again. Just in front of them, a fish leaps out of the water and lands with a splash. "Tell me again." He suggests. "You... you need to talk about it."

He's right. Of course he's right. He always was. She knows that him leaving was the right decision, however much it had hurt. Everything he'd ever done; talking to her mother, looking after Henry, it was always the right thing to do. So Kate steels herself, taking a deep breath. "He was... he was my big brother. And I looked up to him. Always. He could do no wrong in my eyes. He was the best. He was always there for me. So when he came home drunk every now and then, or his room stunk of dope, I... I stood up for him. I had to."

She turns to Dutchy, but there's no look of surprise, or disgust, or pity. Just openness. And so she takes a deep breath and keeps talking.

"When we were kids we never kept secrets from each other. I told him everything - who I had a crush on, what I was scared of. And he did the same. He wouldn't lie to me. Ever. So when he _did_ it was... I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And if I confronted him about those times where I'd have to help him up the stairs, or I'd find him cuddling my fluffy blanket and giggling like a maniac... well, I believed him when he said it was just once every now and then. After all, it's not like I wasn't having the odd drink underage with school friends, or sneaking out to places I wasn't supposed to go. We were teenagers. Only... pretty soon it wasn't just every once in a while. It was more often and suddenly he had needle marks in his veins and he couldn't bring himself to go to school. And Mum was pissed off. She put him through treatment programs but he'd always relapse and... well, when you're poor, it's hard to keep things going. He stole, a lot. He'd sell it for drugs and then he'd beg me not to tell Mum. So I'd cover for him, say that I'd borrowed Grandma's diamond necklace for a party and lost it, or... or that I'd borrowed fifty bucks from her wallet. And... but he kept going. He just couldn't stop."

"And you kept forgiving him." Dutchy finishes the thought for her.

Kate scoffs. "I was so stupid. I became such a good liar to Mum. And she never forgave me for covering for him. She said... well, she said some pretty awful things in front of both of us, and then Isaac would feel worse, because I was in trouble and then he'd relapse and... and the whole cycle just went on and on. And Mum and I had a fight. I wanted to go out. I had a date with a guy from school. But Mum wanted to go out and she didn't want to leave Isaac alone. She said I had to stay with him and make sure he was okay but I was... I was sick of being the druggy's sister. And I was pissed off and Isaac found me and... and he swore he'd be okay, that I should go, have fun. And so I did. And when I came home he was... he was dead. He'd OD'd. Used too much. And he must have realised and tried to drive himself to hospital, because he was in the car but... but he never had a chance." Kate digs her fingernails into her thighs. "I left my brother alone to go on a date with some guy whose name I can't even remember!"

"Hey. It wasn't your fault." Dutchy rests a hand on her arm for a moment, but Kate pulls it away. It's as if now she's started talking, it's impossible to stop.

"I was sent away for a few days to stay with a friend, to get my head on straight, and by the time I got back, Isaac's room had been cleaned out and there was... there was nothing of him. And since then, she's always acted like I was an only child. Like Isaac never existed."

Kate peers out at the waves, and feels fresh tears prickling at her eyes. "You told me about the time when you were fourteen." Dutchy begins. "And you had some bad break up. And he dragged you to a movie. Only the sound wasn't working."

"He made up dialogue for the whole movie." Kate reminisces, tears streaming from her eyes even through her laughter. "When it was done, I felt like my ribs had broken from laughter."

"It wasn't your fault, him dying." Dutchy murmurs softly. "You were sixteen. And he made his choice."

"I miss him." Kate murmurs. "I miss him."

"I know." Dutchy agrees. His hand is warm in hers.

"I... I hate this. I wish I could remember... something. If I did then maybe..." She trails off, feeling her heart pounding in her chest.

"Maybe what?" Dutchy presses. And it's there again, that same connection as they gaze at each other. And he's so close and maybe... maybe... "Your mother is staying at a motel tonight." Dutchy breaks the silence, and Kate feels herself jerk back to reality. "We both agreed it would be for the best."

"Thanks." Kate sniffs, swiping angrily at her tears. "I'm sorry. I'm a total mess."

"No you're not." Dutchy cuts her off. "You're... you're finding yourself."

"And if I never do?" She challenges.

Dutchy gazes out towards the lagoon, a wistful expression on his face. "I reckon you should go skinny-dipping. Go on. I've helped you. Go put on a show for me."

"What?!" Kate splutters. "What the hell are you on about?" One hand absent-mindedly rises to smack him in the chest.

Dutchy's face splits into a grin as he catches her hand easily. "Well, you still seem like the Kate McGregor I know." He lets go of her hand. "She would've slugged me too." He stands up. "So, you wanna head back and get Henry, potentially interrupting the most intense Grudge Match in PlayStation history? Or you want me to buy you a drink first?"

Kate lets out a lazy grin as she too stands. "I need alcohol." She agrees. "Lead the way."

* * *

"So, you grew up in the country? Like yee-haw type country?" Kate presses, collecting the darts from the board and dropping them to the bar table beside their drinks.

"Uh, not exactly 'yee-haw', but yes. I grew up on a cattle farm. And, yes, I can ride a horse. And if the whole muscle-memory thing still stands, then so can you, because I taught you the last time we were at my parents' property. They had to sell up the farm but they've got a bit of acreage up north."

"Hmm..." Kate absorbs the information. "And just the one brother?"

"No, I've got a little sister Emma too, but she's off touring around London at the moment."

Kate throws one of the darts, frowning when it only manages to hit the edge. "Damn." She mutters. "Okay, so... favourite song?"

"Oh, you're fighting a lost cause there. You never liked any of my music." Dutchy grins. "You said it sounds like a bat orgy trapped in a tin can."

"Descriptive." Kate grins. "Okay, so we don't agree on music. What do we agree on?"

"Torturing 2Dads?" Dutchy suggests with a wry smile.

"Aside from that?" Kate grins.

"Well, I guess... we both like the outdoors. Camping. You like the stars. We'd take Henry camping and you'd tell us all these magnificent stories about mythology and the stars' namesakes and... and it was great."

"We didn't... get together to go camping though." Kate vents her feelings as she tosses another dart. "Did we?"

"I guess, if you're looking for a reason, then... I don't know. I just know that we were best friends. We could tell each other anything and everything. Every mistake we'd made. Every hope and dream. We'd talk about... about the Navy, and Henry and crappy reality TV, and fish and travelling and our childhoods and... and shit, we just never ran out of things to talk about. And one day I woke up and I just realised that... I didn't just want to be friends. That I didn't just love you as a friend, but that I was in love with you. But I kept that inside of me for a while, but when you kissed me after Henry was sick it just... it opened the dam. And we talked about it, at length. You even made one of your famous pros and cons lists. But... I don't think I really left after that."

"I don't know why this has happened. Not just to me, because... I'm okay. But you've lost stuff too. Your life..."

"I haven't lost anything." Dutchy interrupts.

"But..."

He shakes his head. "Kate, I... I have you. Even if it's not in the way I'd thought... you're still here. And I have Henry. And that is... it's more than I ever envisioned I'd have. And it's enough. Even if we're just friends for the rest of our lives. It's... it's enough."

Kate lets out a heavy sigh, then drains the drink in front of her. "After Isaac died, Mum threw out everything that could be considered even mildly body altering. The whole medicine cabinet - flu tablets, panadol. It all went. All her alcohol. Even the freaking drain killer! Coffee! Everything! It was like she was... scared I was going to turn out like him. So fried I couldn't even remember my own name. And now here I am." Kate holds her hands out. "A mess who can't remember anything." Kate bites her lip.

"You're not a mess." Dutchy assures her.

"Then... why do you pull away every time I..." She trails off, realising how needy she sounds. "Forget it."

"Hey-" Dutchy reaches out, and his hand closes on her arm. Slowly, he turns her around, so that she's facing him. "What do you mean?"

Kate swallows. "Sometimes I think I... I feel..." She flexes her fingers, as though the words she's searching for are right in front of her. "Sometimes..." And then she lets out a groan. "Forget it."

Dutchy peers at her, and it seems he's choosing his words very carefully. "I'd... never want you to feel as though I'm forcing you into something you don't want."

"And what if I do want it?" Kate presses. And she closes the distance between them.

* * *

 ** _A/N:_** _If anyone knows anything about the Australian paid fire service and would be willing to answer some questions, I would be forever in debt :) Thanks for reading guys_


	14. Chapter 14

For a full ten seconds, or maybe half an hour, or it could even have been days, they stand entwined, his hand tangling in her hair while she grips a fistful of his shirt, the fabric tangling in her fingers as she pulls him closer. And she can't rid herself of the feeling that this is right. This is where she is supposed to be. And she can't even really pinpoint _why_ she feels like that, because she's still pretty pissed off about the whole black-eye thing and not entirely sure how she can wake up engaged to someone she doesn't really know but at the same time she can't help but trust Dylan Mulholland.

And does oxygen _really_ matter at this point, when she's feeling the most at home she's felt for years. And then...

"Kate..." He pulls away from her, his eyes seeking her out, and she wonders of he's going to push her away again, to make the decision for her, like he had before. One of his hands reach up and tuck a strand of hair from her face, and he gives her a look more intimate than any kiss. "Are you okay?"

She'd wondered, briefly, if there'd be a rush of memories flooding back. If she'd kiss him and suddenly recall everything she's forgotten in the last nine years. But there's nothing. Nothing but a warmth in her fingertips and a dizziness in her head. "Yeah." She murmurs.

"I... Kate..." He seems struck dumb, and Kate has to fight the urge to kiss the dumbstruck look off his face, but she can't just go around acting like some stupid school girl. Besides, she knows they need to talk. There's so much still left unsaid.

"Dutchy?" Somehow, his uncertainty had fed her clarity, and she peers up at him, one eyebrow raised, ready to fight any protests he is about to raise.

"So... that was... unexpected." He says eventually, and a goofy smile breaks against Kate's lips.

"Was it?" Kate presses her forehead to his chest, just for a moment, before pulling away. "I mean it. You're the only person I trust."

"Kate..." He exhales heavily, looking at her. "I... you have to know that this isn't easy for me."

"And it's not for me either." Kate protests. "But... I don't know what else to do. I've tried to look at photographs, watch videos. I've walked every street of this town, heard countless stories. But the only times I sound like me is when you talk. So... I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. I just want to..." She exhales. "I just want to live."

"You are living." He argues.

"No. I'm existing." She argues. "And frankly, I'm sick of it. I just don't know... what else to do anymore."

"Okay." He nods. "So we figure it out together." He nods at her, and even though they're standing in a bar, with two darts still clutched in one of Kate's hands, and the cries of drunken revellers all around, his words carry the same weight as a judicial ruling. "But Kate," He leans closer, so that their lips are almost touching again. "I think we need to stop drinking."

"I didn't kiss you because I'm drunk." Kate protests, throwing the last two darts to the dartboard in quick succession.

"I know." Dutchy grins, admiring her shot. "You did it because I'm irresistible."

"You've got tickets on yourself, I'm telling you." She drains the rest of her glass, before frowning at the bar "But you're probably right."

"Walk before we head home?" Dutchy suggests.

"Sure." Kate agrees, scraping her hair off her face. "Let's go."

* * *

"You would have liked Isaac." Kate muses as they pace up well-manicured streets, weaving in and out of children riding bicycles, and running through sprinklers to beat the persistent heat. "I think you would have gotten along well."

Dutchy nods, a small smile on his face. "You've said that before." He agrees. "And I think you're right. After hearing you tell me about his driver's test."

"Oh, God, that was bad." Kate grins, dragging a hand over her eyes. "It's not often you _actually_ give your driving instructor a heart attack. But, hey, he knew first aid."

"And the guy still failed him after he saved his life!" Dutchy grins.

"Yeah, well, it was probably Isaac's fault to begin with. He always drove like he was at Bathurst."

"Ah, so _he_ taught you how to drive." Dutchy quips.

"Hey!" Kate protests, bumping him with her hip. He's so sturdy that this barely affects him. "I am an excellent driver!"

"Ah, you do have a habit of speeding." He bumps into her, and unlike her efforts, his is a lot more effective, nearly sending her sprawling in the dirt. "Oops." He seizes her around the waist, steadying her. There's another awkward pause before he adds, "I mean, I know the whole amnesia thing stops you remembering _just_ how much your speeding fine was, but-"

"Oh, get lost!" She grins.

Dutchy gestures towards an apartment building. "Connor lives here."

"Wonder if Henry's kidnapped Snowy yet." Kate muses as they make their way up the drive. Then she stops dead. "Hey, you didn't mention Snowy, did you?"

"No!" Dutchy stops too, staring at Kate.

"I remembered something." Kate murmurs, then repeats, more excited. "I remembered something!"

"You remembered something!" He seizes her around the waist and picks her up, whirling her around.

Kate's face falls. "And it was the bloody cat that doesn't stop clawing me."

Dutchy is still grinning as he lowers her to the ground. "Baby steps, Kate." He pats her on the shoulder. "Baby steps."


	15. Chapter 15

The psychiatrist, Doctor Green, looks down his glasses at Kate and Dutchy. With his long white beard and round glasses, he looks quite out of place in this modern office suite, like he should be sitting in an ancient library, or atop a castle. Gazing at him, Kate half-expects a dragon to burst in, or a knight, or some other medieval creature. It would look more sensible than him tapping away at a laptop, at any rate. "So, I suppose I don't have to tell you that this is a very unusual case?"

"No, you don't." Kate agrees in a no-nonsense tone. "I've been reading about different cases online. In almost all cases, there's a cause. Like... a car accident or trauma or something. But nothing happened to me."

"That you can remember." Dutchy reminds her, echoing the words that Henry adds every time Kate voices this.

"That I can remember." She agrees, rolling her eyes at his antics.

"Well," Doctor Green gives a wide yawn and continues the tapping of his keys. "You were able to recall something, which does show me that your memories are still in your brain."

 _Of course they are,_ Kate wants to shout. _It's not as if there's any way to permanently erase them!_ "But a cat?" She says instead. "Of all the things I _have_ forgotten? I mean, I've given birth. I've gotten engaged and... and run a patrol boat but all I can remember is a damn cat?!"

"The human mind works in mysterious ways." Dr Green shrugs, as though this is explanation enough. Kate clenches her fists.

"So what can we do to help Kate?" Dutchy leans forwards on the edge of his seat, as though readying himself to run a marathon. Kate smiles softly at his determination. "I mean, we all want to help. What should we be doing?"

"Well..." Dr Green shrugs and closes his laptop. "For the most part, I'd say just keep doing what you're doing."

* * *

"Keep doing what we're doing?!" Dutchy repeats as they climb into the car. He slams the door behind him and fumbles with his keys furiously. "What kind of advice is that?! What good is that to anyone? The old gargoyle!" He wrenches at his seatbelt. It takes him three attempts before he can get it to unlock and buckle.

Kate presses a steadying hand to his, tipping her head. "In fairness, what else could he say?"

"I don't know!" Dutchy rolls his eyes. "Take a handful of eel eyes and bathe-"

"I'm not touching any eels eyes!" Kate protests, pulling a face at the very thought. Dutchy's irritation seems to fade, and he smiles for the first time.

"I forgot your fear of snakes." He admits.

"Snakes are creepy!" She doesn't need to remember the last nine years to know that she wouldn't normally permit him to tease her like this, but it's distracting him from his anger, so Kate keeps talking. "Just... slithering everywhere. And eels are no better!"

"You know, sometimes you're so mature and put together," Dutchy begins. "And then you're such a princess." He keys the ignition and immediately his music starts up, a cacophony of sound. Kate frowns, jabbing at the stereo.

"I hate this song." She mutters, grinning as he rolls his eyes.

* * *

"Hi." Vanessa's greeting is terse as she stands, arms folded, in front of Kate's apartment.

"Hi." Kate's greeting is equally as tense; she's not exactly sure what else there is to say to each other. Every conversation she and her mother had ever had always seemed to end the same - with one of them storming out. Kate remains silent, determined that her mother will be the one to break the silence, and she's only vaguely aware of Dutchy murmuring an excuse and moving past them, towards the house.

"I'm headed back to Brisbane." Vanessa says eventually, and Kate nods. It's not as if she'd expected anything else. "I fly out tomorrow."

"Okay." Kate keeps her voice low and measured.

Vanessa peers at Kate for several more long moments before she seems to lose her cool. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Aren't you going to say _anything_?"

"And just what would you have me say, Mum?" Kate steps closer. She's sick of it, sick of being the one that has to tiptoe around her.

"You... you seem insistent on forcing me to speak about things I'm not comfortable talking about, and get upset when I-"

"When you tell me it's my fault that Isaac is dead?" Kate finishes, and Vanessa flinches.

"I didn't say that." She snaps, tossing her hair. "You've always played this game, Kate. You seem intent on everyone feeling sorry for you-"

"I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me." Kate shakes her head. "This was... this was a mistake. You should go." Kate takes a few steps back, shaking her head. "You still don't get it."

"Get what?" Vanessa demands.

"That I needed to talk about Isaac!" Kate feels tears prickling at her eyes. "I... he was my brother and then he was just... _gone,_ and you never wanted to hear his name again! Do you get how hard that was?"

"No worse than burying your son!"

Kate feels herself shaking, but forces herself to keep talking. "We should have helped each other." Kate turns towards the house once more. "But you pushed me away. And there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't feel like it was my fault." She takes one last look at her mother. "Go back to Brisbane. I don't need you."

* * *

"I'm not in the mood for a hope speech." Kate mumbles, not bothering to lift her head from the pillow as she feels Dutchy sit down on the lounge beside her. Her whole body feels raw, like someone has been dragging her along the road behind a car, except that there are no physical wounds. Just the ones inside her heart.

"Good." Dutchy drops something that feels like a notepad on her back. "Because I'm not here for that. Get up. I've got you some homework."

"Homework?" Kate frowns, sitting up and blinking, pushing hair from her face. "God, have I woken up in high school now?"

"Nope." He tosses a pen into her lap and nudges the book forwards. "I have puzzles. Sudoku, Cryptic Crosswords, Logic Puzzles, the works. We are going to train up your brain and get it remembering more stuff."

"That's... the weirdest thing you've ever said to me." Kate finishes, flicking through the book quickly and taking in the different puzzles.

"That you can remember!" Dutchy finishes, flashing a winning smile worthy of a game show host and tipping her an exaggerated wink. "That you _remember._ "


	16. Chapter 16

Kate groans and slides the small book away from her, dropping her head onto the bench-top. "I swear, Dutchy, every time I close my eyes, all I see are small boxes and the numbers 1 to 9."

"Well, we could always go back to the logic puzzles." Dutchy suggests, sliding a plate of pancakes across the bench-top towards her. The plate nudges Kate's elbow lightly, and she sits up, sniffing hopefully and grinning as she sees the sweet treat. "You were doing pretty well with them."

"No!" Kate groans, plucking a strawberry from the plate and taking a bite. "My brain is fried!" It wasn't just the constant pressure of _just do one more, Kate,_ or the boredom from filling in endless squares over and over again. It was Saturday, Henry was home, and Kate longed to just sit with him and watch mind-numbing cartoons as the rain outside beat down around them.

"Well, feed yourself up and refuel, and then we're back at it." He flashes her a winning smile as she scowls through a mouthful of pancakes. "And don't roll your eyes. Even you admitted it's been helping. You've remembered a few things."

Kate ignores his warning, rolling her eyes as she swallows her mouthful of food. "Hey, I remembered eating butter chicken when I was pregnant with Henry, and going to the movies to see _Mamma Mia_ with Mum. Not exactly the highlights of my life."

"Well... it's something?" Dutchy shrugs, stabbing at his own food. He leans against the bench thoughtfully, and Kate takes a moment to admire the taut muscles. "Hey, I never claimed to have all the answers. But... I just want to help, okay?"

She drags her gaze away from his biceps, focusing on her plate and trying to ignore the heat flushing in her cheeks. "Don't you have actual work to do?" Kate counters, trying desperately to return the conversation to some type of normalcy.

He indicates the stack of dirty dishes in front of him. "Hey, it's Saturday. My work is never done." He nudges the Sudoku book back at her. "You do your work, and I do mine."

* * *

Kate spends most of the morning moving around the house and positioning herself in different chairs, working dutifully away at the Sudoku puzzles. As much as they were messing with her head, she had to admit that after a while, she got quite invested in them. Better yet, they _had_ been helping; admittedly, the memories returning to her had been mundane to say the least, but at least they were _something_. So she dutifully fills in the numbers, over and over again, until a loud clap of thunder breaks through her thoughts. Almost immediately, a blonde blur jumps into her lap, and Kate rests a hand on the quivering dog, as Samson shakes.

"It's alright, Sammy." Kate whispers, running her fingers across his golden coat as she drops her pen to the coffee table. The dog is way too big to be sitting in her lap, really, but Kate runs her fingers through his fur all the same, loathe to move him in his terrified state. "Just a storm."

"He's scared of them." Dutchy cuts in, looking up from his paperwork. "Ever since he was a pup. He used to climb into bed with us whimpering. And you'd always let him, you big softie." _Climb into bed with us._ Kate repeats the phrase in her head. Of course, logically, she'd known that she must have shared a bed with him, in more ways than just one. But with him in front of her, speaking of it so openly, has her ears burning. "We're supposed to be in for a big one." Dutchy continues, and Kate blinks, dragging herself back towards the conversation. "Storm, I mean." He adds, as she frowns in his direction.

"Oh." Kate turns to look outside the window, at the dark clouds around. She'd been so preoccupied with her work that she hadn't noticed the darkening sky until now. "Wow. Yeah."

A moment later, Henry traipses downstairs too, eyes darting around fearfully, a Lego spaceship held loosely in one hand. "I don't like storms." He mutters, as he curls into Kate's side, careful not to nudge the dog. "Neither does Sammy."

"I know." Kate agrees, pressing a kiss to Henry's head. "But it'll pass soon. It'll be fine."

"Can we make a blanket fort?" Henry questions. "We always used to make blanket forts in storms."

Kate exchanges a look with Dutchy before nodding. "Of course. You grab the supplies, and I'll try and extract myself from the puppy." Henry giggles and runs off, and Kate turns to find Dutchy's gaze upon her. "What?" She frowns.

Now it's his turn to look abashed and look away. "Nothing." He says, a little too quickly. "I'll... uh... give Henry a hand."

* * *

"I think this is our best fort yet." Henry murmurs as he settles himself upon a pile of pillows. Kate grins and flicks on the power-pack of the fairy lights, so that their cosy cubby was illuminated by soft yellow light. It danced along the different fabrics, illuminating the various colours into a warm glow. "What do you think, Dad?"

"The best." Dutchy agrees, tucking himself primly into a nook next to Kate. He's so close that Kate can feel the warmth of his leg against hers. "Snacks?" He prompts, hand outstretched. "Kate?"

"Oh." Kate nods, reaching forwards to retrieve the container of strawberries and grapes. "We have some fruit, and... chocolate." She shakes the wrapped goods in his direction.

"Milk chocolate." Dutchy nods in apparent approval of the refreshments. "The best kind."

Samson looks up hopefully at the mention of food, and Kate retrieves a small dog biscuit. "And we've got a nice puppy treat too." She grins, even though Samson is far from a puppy.

"Will you tell us a story, Mum?" Henry prompts, as he leans forwards and takes a small bunch of grapes, and Samson chomps away. "King Midas?"

As Kate begins to recall the tale of King Midas, to the soundtrack of the howling wind and sheets of rain pounding against the window, she finds she's never felt so safe before. It's almost as if the blanket fort is a cocoon of sorts, protecting her from the horrors of the outside world, and she remains safe and warm and comfortable with her family. And what did it matter if she couldn't remember the past. If this was the present, and this was her future, then...

Then none of the rest mattered.

* * *

Kate is the one to bravely (at least in Henry's eyes) leave the safety of their lounge room blanket fort in order to grab dinner. She's barely reached the fridge, however, when the doorbell rings, barely audible against the sounds of the storm outside.

"Who'd be here now?" Dutchy frowns, poking his head out of the fort like some sort of absurd turtle. Kate shrugs and moves towards the door, slippers padding against the tiles.

"Vanessa?" Kate frowns at the soaked and bedraggled figure standing on her front porch. The small amount of shelter above is no match against the near-horizontal sheets of rain, and Vanessa is soaked to the skin, clothes dripping. Kate fights the desire to slam the door again, but instead steps back and permits Vanessa to move out of the weather. Vanessa doesn't move further into the house though, standing tentatively upon the front doormat.

"I..." Vanessa croaks. "I wanted to see you. I couldn't leave things... like that." She's staring past Kate's head, and as she turns, she spots Dutchy and Henry hovering in the hallway, Samson at their feet. "I know... I said a few things..."

"You didn't come in the middle of a storm to tell me that." Kate cuts her off, arms crossed. She's in no mood to have some long-winded story told to her about how mistakes were made on both sides, or to somehow hear that all the problems were Kate's fault.

Vanessa frowns, then tentatively begins again. "I... I want to be in your life, Kate. I... it serves no purpose for us to be at odds with each other." One hand fidgets with an earring as she stands, still dripping onto the doormat. "You need me here."

"I haven't needed you for years." Kate mutters darkly. "Decades, even."

"Kate-"

"Are you even going to apologise?" Kate asks, breaking the awkward silence.

Vanessa peers up at Kate, and Kate knows the answer before the older woman has even spoken. "I think we both owe the other an apology." She corrects.

"No." Kate shakes her head. "No. Leave."

Vanessa hesitates for a fraction longer, and Kate wonders whether this, more than anything else, will have her apologise. _Fight,_ Kate thinks desperately. _Don't just leave it here._ But a moment later, Vanessa's hand is turning the door-handle again, and her next words are nearly drowned out by the storm. "I do love you, Kate."

But before Kate has even thought of a response - about how Vanessa could never admit she was wrong, or about Isaac, and the years of blame, or Vanessa's continual meddling, there's a loud, booming clap of thunder that shakes the very foundations of the house. There's a yelp of fear, a rush of fur, and then a cry, as Henry runs towards the open door.

"Sammy!" Henry shouts, as the dog bolts into the storm outside in fear. "Sammy!"

"No!" Kate lunges forwards and seizes Henry around the waist to stop him from following. "I'll get him, Henry. I'll go!" And ignoring the cries of everyone around her, Kate chases after the dog.


	17. Chapter 17

All of her senses are in overdrive, and yet completely useless. She can barely see her hand in front of her, as the rain falls so heavily it is as though someone is standing above her, emptying bucket after bucket of icy water onto the top of her head. She's drenched within seconds and shivering hard, trying desperately to hear something of the dog above the howling of the wind and the booming of the thunder.

"Sammy!" She calls out, her voice barely audible, even to her. "Samson! Come here, boy! It's okay!" She moves onward, alternatively clapping her hands and slapping a palm against her thigh, as though this simple movement will draw the dog to her. "Come on, Sammy! Samson! It's okay!"

There's a bright white glow, and she just manages to make it off the road in time for the car to drive past her, going at barely twenty kilometres an hour. This was dangerous. She shouldn't be out here in this. And yet, the look of terror and determination upon Henry's face was enough to spurn her onward. "Samson!" She calls out again, and this is stupid and dangerous and she shouldn't be here, but she needs to do this for Henry. "Come here, Sammy!"

* * *

"Henry, it's okay!" Vanessa assures him, rubbing circles on the sobbing boy's back, illuminated by the ever-glowing fairy lights of the blanket fort. "Your Mum will be back before you know it." Over Henry's head, Vanessa flashes Dutchy a look that says quite plainly she's not sure if she believes what she's saying. Outside, the wind is howling if possible, even louder, and Dutchy checks the clock again. Forty minutes. Kate has been out there for forty minutes.

He knows it should be him comforting Henry, not Vanessa. Knows that he shouldn't be fighting the urge to run after Kate. But she'd never forgive him if he left Henry alone, so instead he paces in a tight path across the kitchen and back, and repeats Kate's name over and over in his head like a mantra, as though this will bring her closer.

Time ticks on, punctuated by the flashes of lightning and cracks of thunder. He glances out of the window every few minutes, the sky ever-darkening. Eventually, Henry's cries quieten, and after a few more minutes, Vanessa emerges from the blanket fort alone. "He cried himself to sleep." She informs him, not meeting his eye. "Dylan, I- I should have shut the door."

But Dutchy doesn't want to talk to Vanessa, doesn't want to hear apologies for not shutting a door when she couldn't even apologise to Kate for blaming her for Isaac. He shakes his head and continues his pacing.

* * *

A flash of lightning illuminates the street, and Kate just catches a glimpse of golden fur a hundred metres ahead. Almost immediately, it's followed by another booming rumble of thunder, and Kate swears she feels the earth shake, and it might just be every single Greek god of thunder and war and the underworld and every other unholy thing bearing down on her. "Sammy!" She shouts again, breaking into a run. She just manages to move out of the way as a tree uproots itself and crashes onto the road where she'd just been standing, but it simply urges her on.

And quite suddenly she hears, in some distant part of her mind, Dutchy's voice in her head. _It's gotta be this one, Kate. Look at him. He's perfect. Henry will love him._

And she remembers turning from the small golden pup, the runt of the litter, to Dutchy. _Perfect._ She agrees.

"Samson!"

And then, quite suddenly, he's there, a soaking, muddy, quivering mess in front of her, and Kate scoops him into her arms, even though he weighs a tonne and he's filthy, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that Samson is here, whimpering, but okay. "It's okay, Sammy." Kate murmurs. "It's okay."

* * *

"You know that was beyond stupid?!" Dutchy demands, slamming the bedroom door behind him as Kate fumbles with numb fingers, trying to undo her wardrobe doors. "You could have been killed."

"I..." She can't quite verbalise why she had done what she did, except that it was for Henry, and Samson, and that she couldn't have just left him. "Henry?" She peers at Dutchy. "Where is he?"

"He's asleep." Dutchy reports. "He was worried sick when you ran after Samson! Practically cried himself to sleep on Vanessa, hiding in the fort." He pushes past Kate, tugging the drawer open for her so forcefully the whole drawer is nearly wrenched off its rollers. "She's just finished drying Sammy off. And she's staying on the lounge tonight. It's too crazy out there for her to be driving anywhere. Let alone running around-"

"I remembered... getting him." Kate murmurs softly, abandoning her search for clothes and sinking to the edge of the bed. "I remembered..." She trails off, because it's all so confusing. She remembered the love she'd felt for Dutchy, the happiness in that situation. "I..." But she can't quite verbalise what she's feeling or thinking.

"You're cold." Dutchy murmurs eventually, in a much softer tone than before. He moves forward and pulls at her arm. "Come on. You need a shower, and some dry clothes, and then we can talk."

"Couldn't leave him." Kate jabbers through chattering teeth. "He..."

He pulls her closer, and kneels in front of her. She leans forward, pressing her forehead to his, and for a moment they just stand there. "I can't lose you again." He murmurs softly.

"You're not going to lose me." She whispers. For a moment, they stare at each other. And then she leans forward and closes the gap.

The kiss is unlike their last one. Their last had been full of tenderness, and tentativeness. This... this is pure heat and lust and the crushing result of months of _this,_ of unsaid things and confusion and trust. Her fingers are ice cold against his back, but he doesn't shy away from her touch as they separate just long enough for her to tug his shirt over his head before colliding once more so heavily she feels her tooth puncture her lip. She doesn't stop though, and neither does he, peeling her soaking long sleeve from her. Her singlet is stuck to it as well, and they separate once more so that he can tug them both over her head, her hair a tangled mess.

Her skin is cold, and his is pure heat, and as she finds herself on her back in the middle of the bed, pulling him closer, both trying desperately to close the distance between them. "Love you." She mutters, as his lips leave hers to trail hot kisses down her neck. "Love you."

And he stops and looks at her, really looks at her, and all Kate can hear is the storm outside and their greedy panting breaths as they stare at each other. "I love you." He murmurs back, hands on her waist. "I love you, Kate."


	18. Chapter 18

When Kate awakens, it's to an indescribable sensation of warmth and contentedness. She has no inclination to move at all - only the desire to stay there in that moment. She lets herself sink into the mattress, with the comforting weight of Dutchy's arm loose around her waist.

Memories of the previous night bring a smile to her face, and she can feel the ghost of Dutchy's touch all over her. And even though she's still, Dutchy seems to know she's awake though, because he leans forward and murmurs softly into her ear. "Morning."

She can't fight the smile that spreads across her face as she turns to face him, their faces inches apart. "Morning." She echoes. "You okay?"

"Better." He answers simply, and she can't fight it as her smile widens. She imagines, just for a moment, how the Kate McGregor who'd first stepped onto _HMAS Hammersley_ all those years ago would react upon seeing just how giggly and goofy she feels. But she's learned to let go of the past, and instead smiles wider at the idea of her future. "How are you?" Dutchy punctuates the question with a kiss.

"Amazing." She murmurs, still grinning like an idiot. She wonders vaguely when she stopped feeling self-conscious, saying things like _amazing_ to him. She's not feeling anxious, or embarrassed or regretful or any of those other things she'd been sure she'd feel. Just... happy. "So, I should run into a storm more often?"

"Noooooo." Dutchy drags the syllable out, leaning closer to mumble into her neck. "You most definitely shouldn't." She feels him press a kiss to her forehead. "But as for the stuff that happened afterwards... maybe we could give that another go."

"Hmm..." Kate turns her head to look at him, and he freezes at the serious look on her face. "You think so?" He nods, shakily, and she leans closer, so that their lips are almost touching. "And which part would that be again?"

"Hard to explain." Dutchy's smile returns at full power, and he closes the distance between them. "I might have to just show you."

But she doesn't let it go any further than the kiss this time, pulling away from him and swiping a thumb against his forehead as he frowns. "I think we'd better get up." She muses. "I need to see Henry."

* * *

"Mum!" She'll never tire of the feeling of Henry in her arms. From the moment she'd first... what? Met him isn't exactly the right phrase, but how else can it be said? But he's here, in her arms, and he's such a precious little gift and she can't believe how lucky she is to have him. She'd wondered, as she'd dressed, whether he'd be angry with her, or distant. But he'd leapt into her arms the first chance he'd gotten.

"I'm sorry, Henry." Kate whispers, lowering herself to his height and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I didn't mean to scare you."

As she pulls him closer, she glances over Henry's head and sees Vanessa leaning against the fridge, looking unsure about whether she was really supposed to be there or not. As she catches her daughter's eye, Vanessa flinches, but Kate shakes her head and mouths a silent _thanks._

She can't remember ever seeing her mother cry, but Vanessa wipes a tear from her eye and moves towards the kitchen. She and Henry break apart, but he clings to her side, as though not quite ready to say goodbye. "Well, I... uh... I made some pancakes." Vanessa breaks the silence, gesturing towards the stove. "I-" Kate glances towards the frying pan and can't hide the smile that flits across her face.

"You made butterfly pancakes?" Kate whispers, remembering their Saturday morning tradition of pancakes - butterflies for Kate, and ghosts for Isaac.

Vanessa grins, and she sags a little in relief, sliding a container of maple syrup over towards them. "They were always your favourite when you were growing up."

"I remember." Kate nods. To some it might seem such a simple gesture, pancakes shaped like butterflies, but Kate knew it was a peace offering. "Thanks, Mum," She adds softly.

* * *

It's not until almost five in the afternoon that she gets to speak to Vanessa alone. She opens the cupboard to retrieve Samson's lead and, in amongst trying to walk through the highly enthusiastic dog running laps around her legs, Kate turns to Vanessa. She doesn't even have to ask. Vanessa just nods, and slips her shoes on.

For the first half of the walk, they don't say anything. Instead, Kate finds herself drawn to the similarities and differences between them. How they both walk at the same pace, or how Vanessa avoids the cracks in the concrete. Or the simpler things, like how she absentmindedly picks a dandelion and blows the seeds across the footpath.

"When you were four, you wanted to build a snowman outside." Vanessa begins suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, and even though she has no idea why her mother is choosing to break the silence with this story, she keeps her mouth shut, determined to just listen. "You woke up at three in the morning to the first snow and pestered me all night. I got so angry with you. Told you to go back to sleep and just leave me alone." Vanessa shrugs. "And you did. For a bit. I went back to sleep and I remember waking at about nine and you weren't in your room. Isaac had no idea where you were either. I remember pulling the house apart looking for you in every nook and cranny. Then I noticed your gloves and coat were missing. When I found you down the street you were happily building your snowman. You didn't understand why I was angry or upset. You just wanted to show your snowman to your brother." Vanessa sniffs, and she turns to Kate. "You were always the independent one. It was your brother who needed me. But you..."

"Mum-" She's not quite sure what she's going to say, and after a few moments of quiet, Kate simply shakes her head, letting Vanessa continue her story.

"I always wanted a little girl to... to do her hair and dress her up in pretty dresses and take her to get her nails done but you... you never wanted any of that. You'd be out the front playing football with the local boys or digging for treasure or begging your granddad to take you fishing. And I just never understood it. I spent so long trying to turn you into the daughter I'd dreamed about, I made you feel like I didn't care about you. But, Katie, you're..." Vanessa waves an arm. "You're incredible. And I'm so proud of the person you've become."

Kate feels her voice crack. "Mum..." But once again she can't finish the thought, can't verbalise what she's thinking and feeling because everything is everywhere in her head. "I..." Kate shakes her head and throws herself into her mother's arms. "Mum, I love you."

* * *

Later that night, Kate raises her head from Dutchy's chest and turns to peer at him, a memory suddenly coming back to her. It's been happening more recently lately, small moments flashing through her mind seemingly out of nowhere, and the first person she shares the memories with is always Dutchy. "You broke your toe when you kicked a tent peg when we were camping?"

"I did." Dutchy nods in approval, screwing up his own face in concentration. "Not long after we first started dating. Do you remember what happened afterwards?"

"Uh..." Kate screws up her eyes, trying to concentrate. It was almost like trying to recall a dream, the details slipping through her fingers with every moment. "Uh... you were hopping around like mad. And... and you didn't want to go to the hospital so you were hobbling around everywhere? I had to drive your car home and it kept stalling on me. And... ice cream was in there somewhere?"

"Henry decided that ice cream would make my toe feel better. He conned you into the Maccas drive through for soft serves." Dutchy explains.

"Yes." Kate grins, and she can almost taste the Crunchie McFlurry on her lips.

"You tried to help me out of the car and we both stacked it on the driveway. Henry had to call a neighbour to help us."

"I remember that." Kate nods. "The concrete was freezing. For some reason we went on the coldest weekend Cairns had seen in ages."

"Well, there you go. Sudokus are helping then." Dutchy grins.

"Hmm... It could be that." Kate agrees, leaning closer. "Or... it could be something else."

Dutchy grins, capturing her lips. "Only one way to find out." He shrugs, before kissing her again.


	19. Chapter 19

**_A/N:_** _Stealing back Sofia and Harrison from 'Genetics Be Damned' because I love them so much._

* * *

"So, did I have a crisis when I turned forty?" Kate frowns, leaning closer to Dutchy so that Henry, eagerly making chocolate mousse, can't hear them.

"Yeah." Dutchy nods seriously, unlike her, not troubling to keep his voice down and smiling devilishly. "You bought a sports car and had an tawdry affair with a bikie named TJ. You dyed your hair bright red and drank martinis for breakfast." He winks as Kate rolls her eyes. She bumps into him in revenge; of course, he's so solid, this affects her more than him, and he has to seize her around the waist to stop her from crashing into the kitchen bench. "Hey, don't hurt me! It's true! You got a tattoo... barbed wire and the Southern Cross. Wanted a butterfly on the small of your back too. Real classy! And you started going to this bar-"

"Alright, alright! You've had your fun!" Kate worms out of his grip, trying her best to adopt a stern look upon her face, but only managing a few moments before she cracks a smile.

"No mid-life crisis," Dutchy concedes. "You just whined that you were _so old_ and then I taught you how to ride my motorbike. Which, by the way, you picked up surprisingly quickly. And if I didn't know better, I'd say you were hiding a certain _something_ from your sordid past." He flashes a curious look at Kate.

"I don't whine." Kate mumbles, purposefully leaving the rest of the comments unanswered.

"You so do." Dutchy counters.

"You both whine!" Henry speaks above them, and they both look at each other, feeling equally amused and guilty.

"And now I'm older." Kate pulls a face. "Urgh. I'm so old."

"Oh, come on." Dutchy leans over and swipes at the rim of the mousse with a finger, easily dodging Henry's hand-slap. "I reckon you've still got a bit of life left in you. Besides, I'm much too busy to trade you in for a younger model just yet." Kate scoffs, and Dutchy winks. "So, what's the plan for today?"

"Well, you guys are _not_ stealing any more mousse until it's ready!" Henry protests, trying and failing to stop Kate's finger swiping at the mousse as well. She sucks at her chocolatey finger with relish, eyes twinkling. "Seriously!" Henry adopts a beaten-down expression that wouldn't have looked out of place on a drought-stricken father and shifts the bowl closer to himself. "Don't you both have anything better to do?"

"Nah, I reckon we're good." Dutchy grins mischievously.

"And they say _kids_ are the annoying ones." Henry huffs under his breath. "Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Connor and Ness will all be here really soon! You could tidy up your stuff! You know... if you wanted to actually be _helpful._ "

"What stuff?" Dutchy rolls his eyes again.

Henry gives an equally wearisome look and jabs his finger around the room. "Your bike shoes? And your computer. Plus your helmet doesn't go on the lounge, and your stinky socks are _still_ on the ground." Kate sniggers quietly, and Henry turns his attention onto her. "And _you've_ left your book on the coffee table, and there's about a bajillion coffee mugs everywhere."

"Ha! You got told." Dutchy punctuates Henry's words with a grin. "Princess Not-So-Perfect."

* * *

Possessions dutifully returned to their homes, Kate feels a twinge of panic as she spies the car pulling into the drive. Of course, she's spent time with Connor, Dutchy's brother, and Connor has met Kate's mother too, but there was something to do with having them both together and throwing Dutchy's parents into the mix that had Kate panicking that she's just made the most stupid choice in the world.

"They've met before." Dutchy reminds her softly, squeezing her hand momentarily. "Your mother talks about organic farming, and Mum and Dad just kind of... smile and nod. It'll be okay. Mum and Dad are good. All they want to do is come over and make sure you have an amazing birthday. It's not a test. You've already won them over."

Kate scoffs lightly. "Yeah, right."

"It's true!" Dutchy grins. "Seriously! When she first met you, she threatened me. Said if I screwed it up, she'd come after me."

"I just... with all of them... it's a lot. And of course, Mum's late." Kate glances once more at the clock. "She told me she'd be here early. She's bringing some sort of vegan entree dish." Samson gives a soft bark before bounding up to the door, tail wagging. "I mean, she's eccentric but... I guess, she's better? It should be okay?"

"It's going to be fine." Dutchy assures her.

* * *

Despite her apprehension, Kate finds it quite easy to talk to Sofia and Harrison. Harrison greets her with a quick, cursory hug, but Sofia wraps her up tight, before holding her at arms' length and examining her. "Still as beautiful as ever." She concludes with a warm smile. "It's lovely to meet you again, Kate." She turns in time to see Henry race down the stairs. "And there's my favourite grandson! Come here!"

Her fears quickly shunted aside, Kate discovers that their sense of humour is so similar to Dutchy's, that she finds herself enthralled with their recount of their drive down.

"God, Mum." Dutchy drags a hand over his head. "Don't tell me you got another speeding ticket?"

"Yeah, Mum! You've got serious road rage." Connor adds, leaning over to retrieve a cracker from the table. "It's a problem. I think we need to put you in a home!"

"The cheek of you!" Sofia defends, swatting absentmindedly in Connor's direction. "And he was driving twenty k's under the limit. At least!" Kate glances over to Harrison and catches his eyeroll that tells her the story is not exactly accurate. "So I _might_ have been going a little over the limit when I overtook him. It wouldn't have been a problem-"

"Except for the fact that he was a cop?" Connor finishes delicately.

"Oh, why are you boys always picking on me?" Sofia frowns, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow. "And while we're on the subject of vehicles, how many accidents have you had? And how many have I had? Because my number is significantly lower than yours, young man!"

There's a clatter and the door opens. They all look up at the undignified entrance, as a moment later Vanessa skids into the lounge room, hastily apologising. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, everyone! Urgh, darling, you would not believe the trip I just had. People _everywhere_ speeding and-"

"Ah, whattya know?" Connor grins. Sofia throws him a glare.

"Hello, hello, hi!" Vanessa nods her head in each direction before planting a kiss on Kate's cheek. "Happy Birthday, Kate! Anyway, Sweetie, I just had to get you these." She hands over a jingling, clinking bag, and Kate opens them to see several small stones. "Now, we've got pyrite, fluorite, clear quarts and rhodonite. They're all supposed to be very conducive to memory, so I'm sure if you carry them around with you-"

"Thanks, Mum." Kate murmurs, closing her fist around them. "Have you met Sofia and Harrison? Dutchy- uh, Dylan's parents? And Connor, his brother? Everyone, this is Vanessa, my mother."

"Ness, please!" She sinks dramatically into the lounge, nodding vaguely at the wine in Kate's hand. "Sweetheart, alcohol disrupts the hippocampus, messing with your memory. You'd be much better drinking some tea or-"

"Actually, Ness, I'm glad you mention that." Harrison begins. "Because I actually happened across an article about how a glass of red wine may actually aid in fighting memory-loss."

Under the table, Dutchy squeezes Kate's hand.

* * *

"Since when do our parents read so many articles?" Dutchy leans against the kitchen cabinet, closing his eyes. He lowers his voice conspiratorially. "We could just grab Henry and Samson and flee. You've always wanted to go to Peru."

"Ha. Don't tempt me." Kate rolls her eyes, before peering anxiously in the direction of the lounge once more. "Is it cruel to have left Henry there?"

"You were in labour for thirty-two hours." Dutchy points out.

"Ouch! Yeah... he'll be fine." Kate shrugs, flashing a smirk in Dutchy's direction. "Is it always like this?"

"Yeah, usually. I think Dad takes the piss out of Vanessa, but gets frustrated when she just keeps talking. Mum and Connor just think it's hilarious." He catches her eye. "Sorry."

"Hey, no offence taken." Kate reaches past him to retrieve the salad from the benchtop, squaring her shoulders as though she's preparing for battle. "I've known she's crazy for a long time."

* * *

By the time Ness finishes her third story, this one starring a three-year-old Kate, a peanut butter sandwich and a thieving classmate, Kate's cheeks are burning as though she's sitting right next to a roaring fire. Of course her mother is choosing to recount the stories that paint Kate in the worst possible light - okay, so she'd punched the kid in the mouth, but he'd been stealing her sandwiches for the whole week and she was _three years old_ for goodness' sake! She hates how raw and exposed these cheery little stories make her feel, and she finds herself steadily gulping down her wine.

Ness, for her part, seems coolly unaffected by the glares and pointed looks Kate keeps flashing in her direction, ploughing on through Kate's top ten embarrassing moments. By the time that the afternoon sun illuminates the room in a deep orange glow, Kate is feeling quite glad to see the back of her mother, regardless of their newly mended relationship. Ness leaves just as chaotically as she had arrrived, and Kate turns back to Dutchy's family, her eyes wide. "So... do I need to apologise for every inappropriate thing she said, or is a blanket apology good?"

* * *

"So..." Kate begins tentatively. And it's easier, to speak to him in the dark. She's always liked the dark, even as a child. Has never been one for nightlights or fearing monsters under the bed. No, the night time was her safe place, where she could dream of all the adventures she was yet to have.

"So." Dutchy parrots, and she hears him roll over. "You're freaking out, aren't you?"

"Not... not freaking out, no. Just... thinking..." She tugs the sheet over her shoulder a little higher to protect from the chill of the fan.

"Oh no." Dutchy mock sighs, his breath tickling her. "And what are you thinking about?"

"No, just... maybe I should..." Kate hesitates, then says all in a rush. "Well, I just think there's so much I don't know about you. I mean, obviously I know you and I have... uh... _known you_ before but I can't remember and-"

There's a sound, and Kate imagines him dragging his hand over the stubble of his chin. "Kate, I know you don't remember, but we've definitely agreed that your rambling at midnight is too much for a sleepy mind to bear. So..."

"Well, maybe we should go out. Just the two of us. And... and talk and-" She trails off.

"Kate McGregor!" Dutchy gives an extremely fake admonition. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

Kate feels her cheeks flush, and buries her face in her pillow for a moment,mumbling, "You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?"

"Nah." One of his hands reaches out and squeezes her hand. "More fun to listen to this. So _where_ are you going to take me, huh? What should I wear? Do you have me pegged as a cheap date, or-"

"Oh my gosh." Kate mumbles, dragging the pillow over her head.

"Okay, no! Sorry! Sorry sorry! I'll be serious, okay?" He gently tugs the pillow off her, and she can feel the heat from his body on her.

"I just... I'm not having doubts or anything. I just... kind of still feel like I just jumped into bed with my bosun. And it's nothing to do with regretting anything. I just... I feel weird."

"Okay. So then we'll go out for dinner." Dutchy agrees. "And I can fill you in on whatever you want to know about my life. Just make sure we don't go to-"

"Yeah, not the Chinese place we went for Henry's birthday. I know." She blinks, then screws up her eyes. "Why am I remembering the bad things? Who wants to remember food poisoning?"

"Hey, it's something."

Kate fingers her hair. "You vomited on me."

"Just a bit at the end of your hair." Dutchy defends with a smirk, his fingers brushing against hers as he too fiddles with a lock of her hair. "It was either we shared the toilet bowl or I threw up in the bath where Henry was."

She closes her eyes again, shuddering at the memory. "I think I could have lived with not remembering that one."


	20. Chapter 20

It still feels awkward. After all, she's spent the last few years - no. Or yes. She curses under her breath, growing tired of the way she struggles to convey time now. It's almost as if it's ceased to exist as a concept, or else been corrupted somehow, as if someone has suddenly decreed that each day is suddenly only thirteen hours, instead of twenty-four, or else each hour now only lasts for forty-eight minutes, or something. (She gives up trying to figure out whether time feels as if it has lengthened or slowed, because it makes her head hurt.)

Regardless, she's spent so much time hiding relationships from the world - from her parents, from her crewmates, from the Navy - and to suddenly have everyone know and, crazier still, for it to be accepted, is a somewhat foreign notion to her. Like a parallel universe, really.

"Ah, Kate?" Dutchy frowns, and Kate snaps back to reality. Everything about her feels out of place, and she can't stop craning her neck to scan the doorway. And she hates this feeling. Worst still, hates the fact that Dutchy is sitting opposite her looking equally as pained at her apparent hesitancy. She wants to scream at him that it's not his fault, that none of this is! But she knows his concern stretches far more for her own wellbeing than it does for his. He pulls his chair closer to the table and leans in, so that the people around can't hear. "We can just leave, if that's what you want?"

He's sweet, too sweet. And sitting in front of her, feeling guilty for simply accepting her invitation out. Giving her an out she doesn't need. "I don't want to leave." And it's true, really. But she can't shake off the years of embedded wrongness. "I just... it feels funny. To be... together. Here. And for... well..."

"For the brass not to be swooping down court-marshalling both of us?" Dutchy finishes the thought for her.

"Well, yes." She agrees. "Basically." She fiddles with the salt shaker, tracing her hand over the grooved edges. "I've said that before, haven't I?" He doesn't have to nod for her to know the answer. She curses softly. "I'm sorry. I feel like a walking goldfish."

"Hey, you're remembering more and more each day. You heard what the doc said. It's a marathon, not a sprint."

"And yet, she still has no ideas _why_ I'm broken." She finishes bitterly, before realising just how bitchy a statement that is, and hastening to correct herself. "It's okay. I get it. I... I'm just having a pity party over here. Sorry."

"You're not broken." Dutchy shakes his head.

"My brain is." Kate points out stubbornly. After all, how else can she describe it. Healthy brains don't just suddenly forget years and years of memories. And for perhaps the millionth time, she finds herself dwelling once more on _why._ Why her, why now? Why? She hates going back to the doctors, only for them to tell her the same words over and over. _Mysterious. Inexplicable. Unfounded._

"Okay." Dutchy leans closer. "So... what happens if you found out that... I don't know, you _did_ hit your head on your last patrol, or... or 2Dads was right and you were abducted by aliens? Or... or Bird is secretly trying to poison you with memory gas or something. What then?"

"Well, then I'd... _know._ " She can't quite formulate an accurate answer. "I'd just... _know."_

"But knowing and remembering aren't the same thing." He points out.

"Calm down, Dr Phil." Kate mumbles under her breath. Catching his eye, she nods solemnly. "But I _get_ what you're saying. I _do._ I _know_ that my memory isn't going to come flooding back just because I found out a... I don't know... a piano dropped on my head or-"

"Ouch." Dutchy grins. "Why is your imagination so much more painful than mine?"

"Because I'm a pessimist." Kate shrugs, before catching his eye.

"Is it worth it, wracking your brain all the time?" He sighs sadly. "Look, if the _why_ matters so much to you, we can try other places, other people. We can go anywhere you need. You, me, Henry. We... we can search and... I would travel to the ends of the earth for you." The last phrase stirs something in her, and she stares into his eyes, knowing he too is thinking the same thing.

His wedding vows. His promise to her, to Henry. To always be there. She has no doubt he would walk to the ends of the earth for her. And just as surely, she knows she would do the same for him. She wants to tell him how much that means to her, but she can't find words important enough. When she does speak, her voice is cracked, fighting back tears. "I know I haven't exactly been the easiest person to be with these last few weeks. And, I mean, I can't say anything about how I was even before that. But... well, you've stuck by me no matter what. And that means a lot to me. _Thank you_ won't ever cut it, but... thank you." She reaches out and catches his hand, and it's almost as if all her worries and doubts suddenly fly out the window. "And I need you to know that... regardless of how many times I wonder about the _why,_ the... the _you_ is infinitely more important to me."

He doesn't say anything to that, but holds her gaze for several long moments before nodding solemnly. "Tell me something about yourself?"

"What?" Kate frowns, perplexed.

"Tell me something." Dutchy repeats. "Please, will you tell me something? Something about yourself? While we wait for our food."

She narrows her eyes curiously. "But... you already know everything about me?"

He tips his head thoughtfully. "How about tonight, just... just tell me. Pretend I don't already know you." He leans closer. "Tell me about yourself. I want to know you. Past you, and this you." He replies calmly. "So... we're just two people on a date. The whole amnesia thing?" He leans closer and winks. "Forget it."

* * *

At first, she's sceptical. After all, how can she simply _forget_ the event that's derailed her whole life? But as she responds to Dutchy's needling, she finds there might be some merit in his methods after all. Not once does he cut her off, or finish the stories for her, and she can't deny that there is a blessed normality to the proceedings.

And she tells him stories; important stories, stories she thought she'd forgotten. Stories from her childhood, or her school years. Stories about herself and Isaac and Vanessa. And he listens to all of them, and tells his own stories. And there's something just so magical about sitting together and sharing.

They're among the last few customers in the restaurant when it closes, and as they make their meandering way back home, Kate wonders vaguely when she's ever felt so perfectly content.

There is no sudden epiphany, no rush of understanding. Just a man, and a woman, waiting at the pedestrian crossing. "Hey, Dutchy?" She begins, his hand still clutched tight in hers. "Someday soon, I want to marry you."

In the halflight of the streetlamps, his smile is as wide as she's ever seen it. "What a coincidence." He grins. "Someday soon, I want to marry you too."

* * *

 _The End_

* * *

 **A/N:** _I know some people aren't going to be happy about this ending, and in a lot of ways I'm not either, but I'm leaving it as this, so that when the inspiration hits, I could still come back to it. Many people have asked about the cause of her amnesia, and, honestly, it was never really something that I thought about. For me, writing this, was all about her struggle to move forward. Like I said, I could still write more to it later, but I'm happy with this for now, and just want to say a great big thanks to everyone who took the time to read or comment. It seriously means so much to me. Thank you thank you thank you!_


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